Hi. I've been away for a while. You know, I feel like a b**ch! I come on here and ask for help when I need it, but I won't so much as visit PC when I'm feeling okay and I very rarely have anything helpful to say to anyone else. Ah well. I guess I'm a selfish jerk.

Anyway! I feel a bit down at the present time. I stopped taking meds a few months ago. And no, I did not consult my pdoc. I neither like nor trust him. I didn't like or trust the meds either. In fact I hated them. I'm an athlete/martial artist/ whatever you call it! I practice karate (I think I've said that a million times so far) and I totally LOVE it. When I took the pills (Depakine/Depakote, Olanzapine, sertraline, propranol) they...do I need to describe the side-effects? they made me feel drowsy and tired all the time. My body felt heavy and difficult to move when I trained in karate. I felt like I was in a cage; like I wasn't myself; like the godda*n pills wouldn't let me be my free f*cking self! (I know I'm swearing a lot and I'm sorry if it annoys you)

So I stopped taking them. Now I think an explanation is required here. I really felt that I didn't need them. I liked and enjoyed my hypomanic episodes. I'm a religious person and I have a very personal relationship with God. When hypomanic, I felt closer to him. It was as if my soul flew towards him and...Oh God! It's really complicated and I can't go into details now. It might not be understandable even if I do explain, because I'm not even Christian. I'm a Muslim. I thought to myself that I will use my relationship with God for self treatment. And it actually worked! I was alright. I was neither depressed nor hypomanic. I felt great and it was natural.

But now...

I feel so lonely all of a sudden. My relationship with God is faltering a bit. There are so many things in daily life that distract and distance me from him. I know that I won't feel lonely if only I can feel his presence in my life, but I can't feel it. Sometimes I do and it's the best and most beautiful thing anyone can experience, but then something happens that... I don't know! I just don't know!

And now about the people in my life. My family are alright. My mum is amazing and my dad is okay. I'm comfortable with them, but I never talk about my feelings to any family member. My friends...well...they have the greatest part in making me feel lonely right now. I have two really good friends(I'm going to call them F and Z) both of whom have abusive parents. F separated from her husband yesterday and is currently suffering the aftermaths of a divorce and Z has plans of moving to another town. Now Z is in my karate club too and there is a lot of competition between us despite our friendship. She is usually the winner and she recieves a lot of attention and training tips from our instructor. When she said she's going to leave, I felt lonely and I knew that I will miss her, but there was a also a small snide voice inside my head saying : "One rival down" and that thought makes me feel guilty and hate myself.

I know these are really small and silly things, but I can't help feeling like life sucks!