Thank you rose for sharing it makes me feel better that someone does understand that does not know me. I had so much wrote with what happened today and my change on thought but my phone shut off on me grr. Mainly two things talking wit my bro which i got so mad cause he says the past is the past so move forward. I like that thought but two hours he talked about a lot of past things that made me drained. Also i felt a little picked on with his constant mentioning on he was never molested, only my sister, my other brother and me were. And that he got the worse beatings out of everyone. And other past issues he kept mentioning. I was at work so trying to be cheery sort of was work then work got chaotic at the end which some what put me in mania. Then i was so mad i wrote 6 pages of ranting but i also wrote about my thought on weed and meds. I wanted to get high today with all of my day, really did. I wrote a counter thought though due to i know weed isn't an answer and can do damage with learning and receptors in the brain. I have made a note to ask this: are the meds to help me with my brain patterns change. Yes it is control but good control and if it helps with me changing my brain patterns then that would be awesome. I want to know what the drugs are to do for me, i always a questioner so i may get more with the psychologist with this than the therapist. But idk just my thought today. On a side note i tried to suggest things with my brother like good suggestions and get help but he told me today no one will accept him due to his situation then because he's not in a list. I see this as him. I learned one big thing with him first hand years ago. You can't help some one that doesn't want to help themselves. I some times wish i didn't care so much i feel hurt by what he said what he told me and so on but i remember this he's had a rough life, he isn't blessed with what i have as counter thinking all the time. He needs help but all i can do is suggest places and to get help. I'm running out of room to write