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I have been diagnosed with Mixed Bipolar/Rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. I do at times have high energy with racing thoughts but feeling bad, angry, and extremely irritable. I have at least three episodes occur each week. Medications will only last for short periods of time. My mood is never stabilized. It remains a constant battle to maintain. My mania results in aggressive anger and rage (sometimes uncontrollable). My depression results in constant crying and self-loathing.
Anxiety happens at least once a day. Large crowds, confrontation, things not going as planned, failure of loved ones, feelings of a hopeless future, and just being around an individual triggers the anxiety. This anxiety can be mild (somewhat manageable) or it can paralyze me in a way that I cannot speak or sometimes even move.
Sleeplessness has become a larger issue as the years go by. At first it was extremely hard for me to get to sleep. There were nights that I would just sit up all night. Some medications have helped but they are short-term fixes. Lately, I not only have trouble getting to sleep, but remaining asleep. When awaken, I am up for two to three hours before I can go back to sleep. An average night’s sleep is about four hours.
I have come to realize that my mind does not process things the way that would be deemed normal. Everything is extreme in my eyes. Either it is good or bad, black or white, happy or angry. There is no middle ground.
I find it hard to be around myself.
I had a hard time accepting the diagnoses of bipolar and actually prefer the term manic-depressant personally because many do not take the condition seriously. I feel dismissed.
All I can say it that it is a constant battle for me. I spend a great deal of time alone because it is the best way for me to manage. This condition has impacted my life so much so that I lost my job during a manic phase when anger came out towards my boss. All those things that you just put up with in your day-to-day job operations are manageable but when medications do not work and stress is at its peak, aggressive anger can pour out. There seems to be little support for individuals like me. I am in therapy and I am medication compliant. The following is a list of the medications that I have been prescribed in an attempt to manage this condition. They are listed with what they were prescribed for.
Celexa (Depression), Lexapro (Depression), Paxil (Panic Disorder), Prozac (Depression), Zoloft (Depression), Cymbalta (Depression), Wellbutrin (Depression), Buspirone (Anxiety), Abilify (Depression), Lamictal (Mood Stabilizer), Ambien (Sleep), Geodon (Anti-Psychotic), Neurontin (Sleep), Klonopin (Anxiety), Lunesta (Sleep), Topamax (Mood Stabilizer), Trazodone (Sleep), Atarax (Sleep and Anxiety), Levothyroxine (Thyroid Disorder), Amitriptyline (Sleep) and Ativan (Anxiety).
To me, this seems ridiculous. In the age of science and technology, why can’t a cure be found?
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