((((autumnleaves))))

Getting through your past is going to take time and work. Those core emotions (guilt, shame, self-hate) have followed you through life, and will continue to do so until you work through their causes and accept the past.

That is almost impossible to do on your own (imo). I really do believe that you need professional counseling, with someone who is experienced with your issues, to help you re-examine your beliefs about yourself and challenge them.

Gentle hugs to you