just throwing this out there to see if anyone has had a similar situation and/or advice on how to move past this...

in a nutshell, a couple years ago my husband's female co-worker began having a closer friendship with my husband. She began sending him instant messages at night while he was working on his laptop in our bed. Intimate discussions of her then husband. My husband is a good listenter and gives sound advice. He didn't hide his conversations with her and when I asked he woudl share what she was saying. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt and therefore thought nothing more than friendship was her intentions with my husband. More and more she moved into our lives, befriending my kids (she has a son from previous marriage), asking my husband to help her move to a new house (he was gone all day helping on a weekend day), asking him to help her learn photography (he is a pro photographer), etc. I questioned her intentions when I realized she was more and more doing and asking things with/of my husband that were NOT work related at all. And then her work position changed and last year she began sharing an enclosed, small/cozy office with my husband.

So I asked a good friend if this was just me being paranoid, and she instantly said "NO" and gave me the definition of "emotional cheating" - how he should not be talking about/doing things with the co-worker that he would normally be doing/talking about with me, his wife.

I approached my husband about it and he was truly taken by surprise that I would think his co-worker's intentions were anything but for friendship. He said doing things for her and listening were ways of maintaining a good working relationship. Isn't that what her girl friends are for? She has a flock of college friends she is close with. Our talk about it ended with him saying he would try not to do anything extra-cirriular, unrelated to work, with her. I truly believe he did not think he or she was doing anything "wrong". He has told me that she is not aware of my concerns. I'm not sure about that. If he isn't doing anything non-work related with her, don't you think she'd wonder why all of a sudden he has cut her out of his personal life?

I digress for a moment. Pertinent to this issue is that I suffer from depression, have all my life. I am in recovery, since 2/24/11, the day I came out of the fog so to speak. I have worked VERY hard to be where I am today - my depression controlled, I am happy, and my husband and I have a much better relationship emotionally and physically. However, because of what I did to my husband and our relationship for over ten years (my depression), one of his coping mechanisms was to just do what he needs to do and not tell me. I am a sensitive person and when my depression was out of control I would be overly sensitive and take everything the wrong way. Therefore, he learned to not tell me things that might upset me. The last seven months of my recovery has really helped him to move forward with me and begin to believe in our relationship again.

So I do trust my husband, it's the co-worker I am having a really hard time trusting. I feel she took advantage my husband and I -and she REALLY overstepped the boundaries with a married man. Apparently she is dating someone now. And I really hope I am wrong that she ever had romantic intentions toward my husband. I don't know why I can't get past this. Every time he mentions her name my mind starts thinking things it shouldn't! And when he gpes into work on the weekend for a few hours, is she there too? I question if he is doing things with/for her, unrealted to work, and not telling me so I don't get upset - even though I have grown imensely the last 7 months in my recovery, I question whether he will ever see my side of this - that him having a relationship with a co-worker of the opposite sex outside of the workplace really hurts me.

Maybe I just need to give it time. She's not going anywhere. But neither am I. So how do I get over this and move on?

THAT WAS SO NOT A NUTSHELL!!! If anyone stuck with my ramblings, thank you and please feel free to comment/give advice. Much appreciated!