Let me say first that in general my diagnosis doesn't really matter to me, except that I have no idea how to treat my illness.

This isn't going to be a "here's all my symptoms diagnose me type post" if doctors can't figure it out, neither can you guys.

I was originally thought to have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. Before when I would say even the words "Childhood sexual abuse". I would cringe. I probably couldn't say them. Then suddenly I had a massive psychotic episode that landed me inpatient for seven weeks. (just got out yesterday). Where I was properly medicated and I suddenly understood that my sexual abuse was a complete delusion.

One psychiatrist tells me I am not handling the memories of sexual abuse correctly and therefore I am in complete denial and really do have PTSD.

Another tells me I am severely depressed and doesn't touch on anything PTSD related.

Another tells me I have paranoid schizophrenia and the sexual abuse really was, in fact a delusion of mine, since I have other delusions.

The one who says paranoid schizophrenia has known me the longest.

I have spent the last three years in intensive therapy dealing with this so called "sexual abuse".

A doctor asked me "aren't you relieved it never happened?" And while I was still not medicated I answered "NO. If it happened then I just have PTSD. I can deal with that. I can handle that. But if it didn't happen then that means I've been in one big fantasy world for the last three years of my life! And how great is that? How is that manageable?!"

I have no idea which way to turn. How to treat it. If it's PTSD, then I need to put my heart into therapy getting over memories that are plastered in my head. Very severe memories. Like *trigger* little girls in cages and being sold to strange men.

*trigger over*

Now that I'm medicated I really do think it was all a delusion. I have no issues talking about the images in my head. But again I could be in complete denial. And PTSD does cause psychosis at times.

If it's schizophrenia then I need to be watched very closely on medications and I need to be in therapy, learning how to take care of myself. Which I lack greatly.

I personally think it's schizophrenia, but obviously I can't be an accurate judge of that. I personally think that, because I found this journal awhile back, which was the whole reason I agreed to inpatient in the first place.

http://www.ipt-forensics.com/journal/volume7/j7_3_5.htm

I don't really know what to do. I was sort of forced into seeing a trauma therapist this coming wednesday, going off the old diagnosis. Should I tell her what's going on or should I keep pretending this stuff bugs me?