thanks icecreamkid and sunrise for your helpful comments. i think i am going to change my line of work. it will pay less but there will be a lot less worry (hopefully). maybe i will also go back to school for new training. being gay, i am doubtful that i will fit in in a male dominated work environment. though i am nearly celibate, if i try to be friendly with a straight guy they get the impression that i am sexually interested in them. in fact, all i'm doing to trying to have friends at work and to get along with my co-workers.

from abuse on the jobs, i have developed complex PTSD. it is very difficult to live with and adds further stress to what is already a stressful job. the more problems i try to let roll off my shoulders, the more those problems affect my sleep and emotions when i am not on the job. i was walking around totally stressed and exhausted. it made looking for another job difficult because my energy and confidence levels were low. i am not articulate, especially when i am upset and worried (which is most of the time), making communication difficult. i am not good at thinking and then speaking, so i keep my mouth shut. i have a hard time making eye contact when holding a conversation and sometimes have to close my eyes when speaking in order to verbalize my thoughts. it seems the best i can do under the circumstances though. it can take days and weeks for me to work through emotions and verbalize a reply. the process of working through things is a hinderance since i am often not being in the present moment; i'm still trying to figure out what happened yesterday and how to deal with it. i have little confidence that i can master the art of verbal self-defense. giving an obtuse answer, i'm afraid, will make people think i am weirder than i already am.