Well, no I have no physical proof any of it ever happened. No witnesses. No family involvement. When I was nineteen I suddenly realized I was sexually abused, no prior memories. As far as anyone "suggesting" it. I can't really remember. I mean I had an eating disorder, so of course every doctor I saw, asked. Usually my response was "no" and they would move on. I was never solely with one doctor, who could even have a chance to suggest it. I was bounced around from facility to facility.

Then suddenly one day I remembered. A few weeks later I was hospitalized for the first time. And then 20 to follow. I became fearful of everybody, mostly men, who like the article entails, may be capable of harming me. Neighbors, mailmen, therapists, maintenance men. I became reclusive, wouldn't leave my house, wouldn't open my blinds, began hearing voices, beeps and buzzes and music that wasn't there. Cried uncontrollably when bright lights or loud noises were happening. Started to see dark creatures. Started to think my dog was sick, I was sick. Started to believe I had a brain tumor. Became convinced certain people wanted me dead. On and on and on. The number of delusions were uncountable.

In the hospital, while still trying to find correct medications I almost hung myself after I became convinced the entire staff were congregated outside my door, cheering me on to kill myself. When the nurse asked "why would you do that?" I cried "Didn't you WANT me to!?" That was pretty much my real first breaking point to realizing what I knew wasn't always the truth.

It went on for nearly five years, as I'm nearly 24 now and I never, barely went near anti psychotics. A few times to aid with anti depressants, but never high doses. And I never got any better. Until now.

The therapist, could essentially help me. If not with the sexual abuse, then the trauma I've endured in psychiatric wards. As I have been restrained, had my clothes ripped off me, etc and I often have flashbacks of it. I guess now that my insurance is covering a specialist, they don't have to know what goes on in our conversations totally. But she is a specialist, and seeing her for anything but trauma, would be a waste of her time.

I mean I spent years with a typical therapist, who didn't specialize and I got nowhere. Despite ample efforts on both of our parts. But we were both quite possibly entertaining an idea and diagnosis that may have never existed to begin with.

It just seems odd to walk in there and be like "sorry but my insurance forced me here, and it's not that I don't want to WORK on my issues, but they don't exist".

She's going to think "denial, denial, denial, how isn't she over denial yet"?

I just want this confusion to be over with and figure it out already.