((((((((Readytostop)))))))

It took me a long time to really be able to trust my T. I've been with him for 4 years, and I would say I am finally in the place where I really, DEEPLY trust him.

For me, it was a gradual process. It was terrifying for me to open my mouth and talk about anything, really, for a long time. A few months into therapy I told him about a "small trauma" and he was so compassionate and nonjudgmental and helpful and it was a big first step into exploring what it might be like to talk about the big things.

We have had to work through stuff SLOWLY, and it took us until the past 4 or 5 months to finally get to the hardest stuff. I know it sounds like forever, but it had to be how it was. I needed to learn a lot of coping skills, I needed to really trust T and believe in him and in myself, I needed to tell the stories in little bits and pieces with a lot of breaks. We've had a lot of ruptures along the way, which were awful at the time, but which always, ALWAYS ended in more intimacy and trust. For me, it took a lot of small steps to get to the point I'm at now.

I have pretty huge trust issues, so I am positive another person could certainly work through all of this in less time than I have, but I have 3 children and it was just super important that I do it in a way that I could handle it. T has been really good at helping me pace myself, and I think that has been part of learning to trust him too.

I wish it was easy, but it's just NOT. What I hang onto is the fact that the hardest stuff is always, always the stuff that pushes me the most toward healing. And THAT is what I want from this journey, so I have to believe it's worth it in the end.

Lots of ((((((((hugs)))))))) to you as you do this hard work