I don't know if I should tell what I'm feeling or not. Or HOW. Or if it's worth telling. Or HOW. I'm not looking for a diagnosis here. I just don't know!

I am going to rant, and hope that you will tell me what you think. I need opinions. Very TRIGGER-Y. Beware.

Okay, so lately I've been high and low. Late spring through early August, I felt extremely depressed. At first, I just started thinking about death. What happens when we die. It was a curiosity thing; I was learning about the universe, so I was curious about the afterlife. Then, gradually, I started feeling smaller and smaller. My train of thought was along the lines of this: "In a world so big, what do I matter? What worth am I? Nothing I do has meaning. I'm worthless. I might as well die. No, I want to die. There is no point in this life. I'm wasting my time. I'm going to kill myself." Of course, I never said this out loud. Nor did I act on it. It was just that those thoughts that occupied my head. Some time later, I picked a weapon: my dad's sleeping pills. I was going to do it, and I felt as if it would be impossible to stop me because my mind was set. I absolutely could not get the idea of my insignificance and death out of my head. I didn't want to do anything, so I didn't really do anything. Not much more to say. These feelings lasted 3 months without anyone knowing.
(Also, I forgot to add, those 3 months, I had a constant lump-in-throat sensation that would not go away. The feeling you get when you're about to cry, only I didn't really feel emotional. I forgot about it until now since it went away, but it just almost came back as I was writing this. Anyone know what's up??)

Now, more recently, my thoughts have changed significantly. My ego is GROWING. I am more optimistic. I feel like life is a gift, and I am going to live it forever and ever. I want to just stop aging and watch everything that's going to happen! I feel like I WILL live forever. My goodness, everything I thought those three months... Though I can remember it, it all feels so irrational and far away. And so STUPID! I can do sooooo much. I can do anything I set my mind to, therefore, I can make significant changes on the world, I can leave my mark for everyone to see. And I will. If the world is so much bigger than me, I'll explore it. There is so much I want to do right now, but you don't need to know about that, really. The bottom line is, I'm ready to play by MY rules and have trust in myself. This feeling is so great. Manic state? I don't know, I'm not diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I am thinking so much right now it is hard to put everything into words, though. There's a lot I want to say but I can't quite do it!! Might I also add, my grades now, compared to those in late spring, are much better. I have a 4.0 now, at the time I think I had a 3.4...? Hmmm.

I don't know where I'm getting with this. Does it sound serious? What should I do? I don't want to be diagnosed with anything bad, but I don't want the depression to come back!

Also, I'm 14 years old if it helps. Female. Yeah... Thanks for reading!