i'm new here and i'm choosing a name trio i came up with a while ago as i've been transitioning for the past couple of years into the other half of my adult relationship. the man i've been with for the past 12 years, i feel in love with as a child and i have been going through the process of sifting through parental tendencies (he's got children, and of course i've been childish though not as bad as some people) as well as dominant tendencies that sometimes get twisted together. a while ago, i realized i've been half asleep for my whole life and that if i were a man i could communicate what feels to be more accurate (definitely more efficiently surrounded by boisterous and confident males who are adapting or not to levels of honesty and calm and care a sensitive girl like myself is more accustomed to). i have a man within me (i'm a creator, i make characters and stories), several as a matter of fact-i'm still having trouble letting them out the way i need to because it requires a confidence i'm lacking at the moment because of this being a reality. i'm aesthetically pleasing to most, can be very affectionate, intelligent, compassionate, obedient, submissive--i even have a sex slave identity to go with all of this, why would i want to be a guy? i think football, MMA, physical combat and i'm listening to all the reasons why.

my master is a combative type, so is his son and friend--all of whom live with us and keep well up speed on the ongoing events with world destruction and protest. we have combat blood and i might be a nympho with all the focus i can't keep on my work (i work from home, and spend much of my time here) for all the 'twitching' i feel, sometimes quite randomly. because of circumstances in and out of our control, the kind of sex we've been having the past 9 years has not been occurring and it's been taking it's toll on us both.

either i can't make him understand, or it's my personally created nightmare--but i've been trying to understand my own ambitions when i aspire to be a nude model for the love and money i sorely need, then spend all day in bed without a second thought for anything other than 'now' when 'now' clearly says 'i'm tired or frustrated/can't focus'.

i feel like we're at odds sometimes, and we just have this iddy biddy communication lightbulb that just hasn't lit up yet. i'm trying to find the psychological differences between: dominant, master (boss fetish) which i love and parental which i've become to despise.

this man is by far the sexiest, most brilliant, compassionate, funny, intelligent, altruistic, insightful, self sacrificing, deliciously cruel, arrogant men and natural leaders i know. i feel like a monster that he's annoying me.

please help, sometimes i just want him to see past my pretty face and beautiful *** so he can just listen to ME. we're friends of old, through past and future lives, and it pains me he can't see past the form i selected so i can't either. i am a wonderful woman, i really don't want to want to be a man. it's been hell having penis envy for most of my life, but it's only been this bad since his son became of age to challenge him on his level.

thank you for letting me speak here, please offer what insight you can.

RuthAnnMarie