I live in a home that seems to go downhill in the happiness department a little more each day. I am the quiet one in the family. I observe others doing and saying negative things daily and nightly that add to the deterioration of any chance for happiness whatsoever. No one strives for peace, calmness or sanity.

Only when I've had enough do I retaliate or lash back. I take so much from family members and often feel as though I have lost my mind because they don't seem to care or they feel it to be acceptable to apologize and treat me badly again within the hour of the apology.

It makes me feel crazy. I honestly feel like I am the only one who can see how bad it is and how much worse it can get. I feel alone and scared. I hate being able to see the obvious.

I am so depressed and no longer look for resolutions. I rarely even allow myself to think back to when times were good. It is too painful to do so anymore. I just want out. Sometimes that means of this life and other times I wish I could leave home and my family. Be alone.

There was a time when I tried to gain control in my home but I was met with a fierce resistance. One I could not battle. I finally gave in. I started to ignore them, I hid away in my room. I would barely interact with anyone and I even gave up friends and working. I don't care a thing in the world about gaining employment or friends again.

Where does a person turn when they have given up all hope. Where does a person go when they can't bear to try to change what needs to change.

I give up to my family members. They are abusive and could care less to ever be different. They will one day go out into their own lives and treat someone else poorly and only then I might be able to recover and find a semi normal life. That day seems like it is a million years away.

I don't know if I can wait.