Your post was pretty long and I'm not sure I understand it fully. Are you struggling with yoru gende ridentity (you say yo u want and don't want ot be a man) or with your relationship with your master, or both? I know little about fetish life, but I understand that a master/dom is quite a bit different from a parent. A master/dom does things within a consensual, adult relationship. Therefore, if you want to be in a relationship with a master rather than a parent, you have to present yourself as your adult self. I understand this may be hard given your having created characters that may be childlike (I try to imagine what it's like but am not sure I understand that correctly). It also requires yoru master to recognize you as the adult you are. I see you have not too good communication with him, but maybe you can just straightforwardly tell him: "I am an adult, I don't want a parent, I want a master." And then explain what you think a master should do differently fromw hat he is doing now. Just my thoughts. Hope I'm not toally off base.