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Originally Posted by Astridetal
Your post was pretty long and I'm not sure I understand it fully. Are you struggling with yoru gende ridentity (you say you want and don't want ot be a man) or with your relationship with your master, or both? I know little about fetish life, but I understand that a master/dom is quite a bit different from a parent. A master/dom does things within a consensual, adult relationship. Therefore, if you want to be in a relationship with a master rather than a parent, you have to present yourself as your adult self. I understand this may be hard given your having created characters that may be childlike (I try to imagine what it's like but am not sure I understand that correctly). It also requires your master to recognize you as the adult you are. I see you have not too good communication with him, but maybe you can just straightforwardly tell him: "I am an adult, I don't want a parent, I want a master." And then explain what you think a master should do differently from what he is doing now. Just my thoughts. Hope I'm not toally off base.
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mostly, as far as the gender thing goes, i notice that he can better understand or comprehend what men say more than me. though this may be just me, in that i'm generally misunderstood which he admitted to the other day. it's been hard on him to, with the bloodline i come from, the family who abused me and the fact that they are still a big part of our lives because of cousins, mother and an ex wife--i know how hard it is when i get resentful (and the fact that my mother's teachings for adult relationships are more destructive than useful, she's a denier). i feel like if i could command a man's audience i would be understood better, more often.
it's just a general conflict, possibly because i fear not so platonic relationships with men because of my gemini nature (platonic friendships aren't always in the cards for us, so it's a bit of a battle) i often speak how i was taught was okay to speak: like i'm talking to lovers, children, or myself. my mother has never been big on verbal communication, and i've been stepping out of her shadow just in the last couple of years realizing i have often acted like her or the stunted child that was all the identity i developed for myself.
thank you for the words, that's a very good idea. i know there are drastic differences between master and father, he's always been something of a paternal figure to me as well because my biological and step father were unavailable and violating 'respectfully' so i needed some guidance. i also aligned part of myself with his son and friends as they grew-we were all children together, that's one of the masculine issues i struggled through with their aggressive interactions. i feel when people are undersexed and over-stressed, generally not getting the release they need though that's beginning to work itself out as i develop a stronger grip over my own life.
thanks for the insight, i appreciate it.
