I have been working with this PTSD very hard and I have come a long way.

I have discussed other places and even in my about me page how my neighbor's neglegence with thier dogs and their electric fence system being broken that they knew about and worked around it by letting their dogs out at late at night while I was sleeping. Well so many of my animals were so damaged by that and created so many bills that I am lucky if I can even pay the interest.

I have talked about other neighbors and the terrible crap they have done to me. And that I have been nothing but a nice person and I honestly just don't get it. And I talked about this neighbor hood party taking place right next door and it did happen and they were very loud with a band and I tried very hard to just ignore it and come here. I went out and checked on the horses and ponies and locked the gates and made sure everything was secure. I tryed very hard not to let my hypervigalance kick and say to myself that they can have their party, and I am not provoking anything.

Well I had some bad dreams and woke up early and I come down stairs and sure enough a gate is wide open and a pony is loose. And I know that gate was chained and locked. And it did make me feel violated and upset me and I tried all morning to relax and just try to find a way to ignore it. But even though I tried I could feel my body slowly getting consumed with anxiety and all the pain of what that entails. I did everything possible because I had to get ready and go do a job that required me to walk around for over an hours and a half constantly doing rides.

Then the phone rings and it is my lawyer and he tells me that I have a deposition tomarrow. Now he didn't even give me 24 hours notice. And I have made it a point to explain to him how extremely difficult my struggle with PTSD and depression is and I told him it was extremely important to make sure he notifies me in advance to give me time to prepare. And my case cannot proceed without the discovery over and the only thing left is my final deposition. And I do know that my neighbors can be present when I get deposed so I really have to make sure that I am really prepared for that. And a deposition has been scheduled twice (that I know of) and I was never notified of it and my attorney canceled it at the last minute because he just forgot (he is old and losing his memory).

I honestly have had it. I want to talk to the opposing attorney to let them know that I am not running or the one postponing this process.
Oh, but that would not be good for my case. And so I am left in the middle with all the crap thrown in my lap. I honestly cannot believe this weekend, I honestly cannot wrap my brain around the fact that I NEVER did anything wrong and all I keep doing is PAY, PAY, PAY, PAY, PAY in every way I can possibly imagine.

I try so hard to work and I am also fighting depression and having a real hard time doing or trying to work so I can feed my animals of which some are crippled and pay on this mountain of debt that is caused by a negligent person. I AM TIRRRRRRRRRRED. I AM SOOOOOO TIRED.

It was so hard today walking in pain and trying to be pleasant. I felt so nauseous and even dissy and I honestly don't know how I did it. It was a beautiful day, I should have been able to enjoy it. My body feels like it has been electrocuted. I am screaming inside with no place to put it.

No matter what I do, what I say, how hard I fight, nothing works. I didn't do anything, what did they get drunk and decide to sneak over in the dark and let my pony loose? I changed that gate he could never have opened that gate by himself. That is just Tooooo Creepy, what am I supposed to do, never sleep? What is wrong with people?

Now another bad thing is happening right now. why? I cant take this.

Open Eyes