Thanks for replying, I didn't think anyone would have anything to say. This is so creepy to me and I truely cannot understand why, just cannot wrap my brain around it. I put chains on the paddocks and it takes ME time to get them open, it is so creepy.

As far as my attorney is concerned, I tried to call around and spoke to different attorneys, unfortunately my attorney is well known and was good in his day, so,
none of the other attorneys want to touch his case. I went to see him and stare right into his eyes, I told him with everything I had that he has to get this done and get my depositon finished and make sure that I am notified well in advance. I looked staight into his eyes with every truth I could stare into his eyes, told him that I have bad thoughts and have been trying to get therapy but this needs to move forward.
I honestly don't think he remembers. What can I do? I know this must have been scheduled a while ago and he just forgot to tell me until the last minute, like the last deposition when he called me the day of and told me he canceled and the one before where he called the day after to say it was cancelled, both depositions dates were never sent to me. My last depostion was almost a year ago, that is a whole year of waiting and one of the credit card companies called me today to tell me that the agreement we made for a low interest rate for 1 year is ending and I just cannot pay anything higher, I can bearly pay what I was paying, and that is only one credit card, I have others, I had to do something to pay for the vets to address the mess created by this dog.

unhappy guy, yes the neighbors can be present at my depositon. It is not that I fear them, but they trigger me and I have no idea if I will flashback or what will happen.
In my last depostion they asked me a question and while I was looking down at the diagram I drew of how it happened, I flashed back and it was terrible, I lost such a wonderful pony, so sweet, not fair and had others too crippled to ride. This is sooo hard, just goes on and on.

I feel like I am in a big dark room full of strange things and I am crying out and no one will hear me. I can't believe all of this. And part of me has so much rage and I honestly don't know what to do with it. Between last night and today, one thing after another, it was just too much, all at once. Thank god my husband saw the dog and was with me, had that not happened I would go crazy. Everyone acts like it is my imagination, no one wants to validate the truth, even my attorney who is dropping the ball plays that weird game like it is nothing and he knows he is not on the ball,forgetting. I just can't believe it. I feel like that little girl that hid in her room in fear of when that angry brother was going to hurt me. I don't understand life, why, I never hurt or lied to anyone. I know there are bad people but it is like people are careless and lie to me and almost want me to disappear so they don't feel guilty. And I know it is not me, why so many? It just seems like the power and strength lies in the hands of those who are careless and should be held responsible.

And I do try to fight back, it doesn't seem to work. I wish that others understood how painful this is, my body is so exhausted, the GP has warned me, but there is nothing I can do. I just cant work and take these pills too, they make me too sleepy and I have to be awake and aware. And yet on a day like to day, way too many triggers, way too much. Why do people behave like this, what do they want? I havent even jogged the pony out to make sure he didn't get hurt somehow, god only knows how long he was loose. I tried to stay awake until midnight, but I got too tired. And I can't afford to leave them in every night, too many shavings, so much work and they need to be out.

I really appreciate the comforting thoughts, I know you have no answers, I can't blame you, I am supposed to be so smart and I have been wracking my brain for ways to get through this, over four years now.

And I know there are nice people in the world, I have met so many nice people, had wonderful customers and taught children from nice families. Why did I have to have these creepy people on both sides of me? And I don't even know the extent to all the damage as to find that out MRI's maybe, that would be thousands more. I wish I could wake up and this was all just a bad dream and not real. And I feel like I am somehow not strong enough, but I try so hard to be strong. IDK

Open Eyes