Thank you unhappyguy, this attorney is going to get 1/3 of the settlement so I am not paying him until this gets settled. So when and if this gets settled I am still going to be left with only 2/3rds of a value for the damage this has caused me as far as my loss of animals and business is concerned.

I am not going to get any settlement for any personal and emotional damage caused to me. I am not going to get any fix for my now bad credit due to my inability to keep up with the payments on this debt that was so unfairly placed upon me.

I could have put in my personal psychological expense, which includes a stay at a psychward because I had gotten to a point where there was so much damage that I had damaged my feet walking injured animals and I was bearly able to walk, I could not sleep because of the terrible nightmares that presented in brain that would wake me up and I was shaking as if I was freezing and yet it was nerves that had been activated by what my brain was trying so hard to process. And though I tried very hard to perservere and be strong and find ways to address my daughters complete disappointment and anger and frustration and sadness and my husbands who could not seem to understand that the beautiful white pony that walked beside him as he worked with children, that made it possible for him to repair, stay sober and see a productive life, was now a cripple that could no longer walk beside him. And myself, who tried very hard to save my own pony that was with me for so many years, going places and giving rides to severely handicapped children, and giving lessons to little children as young as four that could learn to ride on such a safe pony and all her wonderful charectoristics that were so incredibly human like. The way she would yawn at the end of a party or lesson and create such a reaction in so many people.
And she would dunk for apples and every single time we were together, I never forgot to get on my knees and kiss her big nose and tell her how much I appreciated her. I really loved that pony so very, very much and deep in my heart I knew that she was never going to be replaced. And I tried really hard to save her life, and I know the vets loved her too and they tried too, yes, they saw how nice she was.
And it will forever be burned into my brain that last day, she knew she was dieing and we were alone in her stall and suddenly she looked at me in such an incredibly serious way.
She was very frightened and in some way she was telling me that she would no longer be with me. It was the most unbelievable experience I had ever had. And then the vet told me that I have to be merciful. CRYing.......... Oh why did that have to be.......it is a terrible thing to have to walk a little friend to a hole in the ground, walk one last time and as always she obediantly follows. To the depths of me I really wish I had gone with her that day, I really ache inside everytime I look out back and see that piece of ground where she lays.

That little presence in my life helped me so much, was the best thing that ever came into my life and was there through so many difficult times that were put in my life.

And I cannot seek financial recovery for the psycholgical damage that I have endured and have been trying to get help with. I would have to reveal that I was SA as a very young child and that would not be good to expose in my line of work. And how a neighbor who was very negligent, and knows he was, could be allowed to enter into my private past and pain is beyond me.

I have been SA as a child, date raped, mauled, and endured living with and alcoholic husband and worked so very hard to overcome so very much, but this has raped everything, all of me, in ways I could have never imagined. And these people have continued to tear down no trespassing signs and appoached me in very intrusive ways even in a lawsuit. And I am walking a line of wishing I never exited at all.

All I ever wanted was a safe place to just be me. I didn't have to be rich or very successful, I JUST WANTED TO SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW, BE FINALLY SAFE.
I am just sooooo tired now. I don't know how I am going to find money to buy hay for the winter, I don't know how I can keep up with the payments on these bills now and it so hard to turn away business that I cannot do because of the damage. Every time I am asked if I give riding lessons, every single time I go out and do what I can do with what I have left, that question pierces my very soul of existance and presents a challenge that is very hard to keep hidden from others.

And my horse, my little vacation, he was damaged too. I want to climb on his back but I cant, because I can feel that damage. It is everywhere I look, every day.
I have tried to be strong as best as I can but I have to admit, I am not doing very well. I can feel it everywhere, my brain, my body and my soul.

And the very last question that was presented to me in my last deposition was "What was damaged the most?" And as I stared at that diagram I had drawn where every one of my animals had their private small paddock that was safe and their own safe space, no more abuse for each one that came here frightened, hungry, neglected and insecure and had learned love, and appreciation and be given a productive life. Because every one had a story and some of them I had to work hard and pay extra to bring them to a safe place. As I was trying to find the words to answer that question my brain just saw so many images that I could not speak. I really could not form one simple word. They call it flashbacking, they describe it like a stroke, and it is because it a trap where the brain cannot do anything but see the images of so much trauma that it could just not process. And as I read the transcript it speaks of that question and the typed response says "CRYING". The depositon was to be resumed because the attorneys spent too much time on their small talk and my own attorney had to talk about how he was jewish, but not a bad jew and he had married a catholic woman and let her decide the faith of their children and I could not understand what on earth that had to do with this process called a depositon.

So many times in my life I had to face so much alone, since age two, I was young, so much to face and try to understand. And here I was in a room with others and yet again so very alone.
My attorney wasn't there for me, it was so obvious. The reality that was presented was really hard to experience. And I honestly don't understand why my life has been so very difficult.
But I can say that when I see someone asking for help and in pain, I REALLY KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. And I am so compelled to answer as I had myself needed that answer so many times in my life.

Open Eyes