Hi Paul - Your profile page says you have PTSD. Did something happen that made you feel you are evil? We're all capable of good and evil - it's a choice. Sometimes we feel we have no choice, but we can learn how to make that choice. If we're not capable of getting there by ourselves, then there are people who will help us figure it out - they're called therapists. If you're not happy with your life the way it is, ask a doctor what resources are available to you. Since you're here at PC, it seems like you are looking to understand yourself better. It's a good place to start. I hope you find support and understanding here, and tell us more about yourself.