When I first came to PC I was sooo lost. I didn't have enough money to get psychological help, I was seeing a therapist that had his own issues and I felt that someday he would make a good therapist because he was intimately familiar with struggle himself. He did make some mistakes with me and I could slowly see someone that, though he had so much potential, was struggling through a divorce and losing a lot and he was on so many medications because he had been a heroine addict and decided to save himself and got an education and worked at saving his own life and he decided to use his personal struggle to reach out to others. I could respect that and as I visited with him, I realized that I was starting to guide him and I was really in no position to take that on. So I started my search for another therapist and I really didn't know where I was going to find the money to get the help I needed.

So I thought that maybe there might be a support group somewhere around that I might go to and meet with others, something like what my husband had with his AA meetings. Well, there was nothing like that around me, but this PC. And though I didn't have a lot of experience with my computer and anything like this, I decided to give it a try. And I wasn't in a very good state of mind to be honest. And I had never been in a chat of any kind or had ever facebooked or tweeted or any of the things that are so common place now. I had always been way too busy to venture into those things.

I didn't want to start a saga thread and hang onto my situation and give it a life that I had to maintain. I just wanted to put myself out here and see if I find out where it was that I was making errors that I had to learn how change. And I didnt really understand what I had, this PTSD and what it meant, only that it was very difficult and presented things that I could not truely understand.

And I was on a medication to help me stablize these terrible night mares that woke me up and prevented me from getting any real rest. And this medication was to combat my days of battling constant anxiety throughout my body that I truely could not seem to think away or even begin to understand why that was happening to me.

And I was really triggered here in my first few days and I didn't know what to do and I had managed to make a few friends in that time. I logged on triggered and confused with a bad situation and I didn't know who to turn to and then I looked at my friend list and saw this heart and letters that said JD and it kind pulsated. So I PMed this person and cried for help. Oh, I remember this time, because I was such a shell, so empty and lost and this person began to sooth me and add some quiet prayers and strength to put in that shell. And she used her personal strength and faith that she had found in her life to share with me and guide me. And I listened to her own struggle with a brain that had been damaged and it was difficult for her to remember short term memories. But it was the depth of her long term memories that she drew upon to help me with my empty troubled shell. In my terrible state, I was crying in the dark and this voice was so kind and helpful. And never once did even think of questioning her own personal strength, all I knew is whatever it was, it was helping me soooo much.

I was so alone and lost outside PC and tapping away in my search to somehow allow myself a way to bring some kind of clarity to such a troubled mind, heart and very soul of me.

I wandered around and felt my way, and there really no faces, only hints of a presence. I went into a chat and not knowing anything about the names and people in that chat I tried to just ask questions and talk and the next thing I knew I was kicked out. Well, that is when I discovered that my medication effected my short term memory. I knew I would never have said anything bad and that it is my nature to ask questions but I could not truely remember the exact questions. I was frightened and confused about that experience and almost left PC thinking I was participating in something that might be hurtful to me. But I tried once again and went into another chat and there were new names and type written words that said, "Not your fault, bad room, we all know not to go there, others got hurt too" and then there were better words, "See our names, look for our names, you will be safe with these names we will not hurt you, we will share with you and listen and make efforts to reach out and understand you".

And then I started to slowly put myself here and find my way through a jumbled mind to some kind of clarity beyond all the pain to a person that was so strong at one time or so I thought. I really didn't know at that point what I really needed to learn. All I knew is that I had begun a search.

And then I slowly met other people here with other unusal names and each one had something to offer. A quiet man who just let me wander in him with a series of PM's into my past. And as I typed in memories in different PM's and inbetween did my chores and answered my phone and tryed to remember where I left off to continue expressing memories and parts of stories of my past, I asked gee, are you being bothered by all of this and that voice said, you can share, I shall listen. And I don't even know if I made a whole lot of sense because I was interupted so much inbetween. And I think I left this quiet man hanging in wonder.

And I saw all kinds of questions and did my best to answer them with a part of me that used to be so strong. And I did write walls of words because that is all my brain could do. My brain was trying very hard to focus and it did come out often like a locomotion of thoughts and all I could do was try to just let it do whatever it needed to do. And that whole time I was experiencing endless battles with crippling anxiety that I had no idea howand where that was all coming from.

And in many ways I was able to present that person that was lost that guided so many students and did so many strong things. And I did race around sometimes trying to hang onto that person that was so badly injured. That person could not function outside PC. Outside PC there was nothing for that person to really grab onto and just be once again.

But each time I came to PC, that person had a place to present herself. And there were others that spoke of the same struggle and offered support and even encouragement. And for the first time in my life, I was not really alone, at least not in the way I felt, so I continued and struggled and tried to find me.

A little bit here and a little bit there I was able to present that productive positive part of me that was so destroyed and alone outside this place called PC. And there were all kinds of messages and thoughts that I could grab onto to help me climb out of a brain that was so very confused and frightened.

I am not expecting anyone to resolve my mountain of struggle outside PC. But I have to thank every hug, kind thought, and every word that says, I feel your pain, I understand, perhaps try this or I cant really tell you how to fix your issues, only that I struggle too and I hear you and will listen when you need to come and rant, question, think or try to work on your own recovery.

It doesn't matter if someone else may not be perfect either, just the fact that someone is there to listen and present a few thoughts is a miracle to me.

Open Eyes