Jan,

I know how you are feeling about how when people die, everyone seems to put away the bad things that happened & seem to make them saints.

I know that the anger I have for my Mother is beyond any explaination & I just can't seem to let it go. I remember that the hospice care had a group session for the family's of the patients that died. I went to one & everyone had nothing but great things to say about their family member that had died. I just sat there in tears realizing that I couldn't say anything good about my Mother & couldn't even talk in the group because I felt so out of place. I told the people who worked for hospice group what was going on & they agreed that I needed more help than they could provide with their groups.

I also remember the Thanksgiving (1 1/2 months before my Mother died), she was sitting at the table, not even able to cut her food or eat it without help but trying to not let anyone realize it by saing she wasn't hungry. I sat there listening to her & watching her, & I saw my Grandmother (her mother) all over again. I never got along with my Grandmother......she was a petty, nasty personality, mean, person that didn't like anyone or anything. I think the people who did things with my Grandparents did it because they liked my Grandfather so much (he was the saint). My Grandmother ended up with Altzhimers & it came out as a horrible mean person who would beat up my Grandfather with her cane & broke everything in sight in her home sever times. (I finally was the family member that had her put into a care home after her last hip replacement when I had them test her for her cognative state).
At the Thanksgiving dinner, I told my Mother to quit acting like her Mother. She got really defensive & said that her Mother wasn't bad. I told her to get real & that just because she died didn't change that she wasn't a nice person when she was alive (even before the Altzhimers).

For some reason, after a person dies, it seems like people forget all the bad & only remember the good. I am dealing like you with the anger & bad feelings that I have for my Mother. All my life I thought that she wasn't very intelligent & then when she was dying, she just reinforced my thinking. I can't get those thoughts out of my mind & seem to feel so guilty that I really can't think of much good things to even say about my Mother let alone the anger because she put me through that ID theft trauma & the thinking that her death was just a "passive suicide" with the cancer that was a lump she couldn't ignore everytime she went to the bathroom.

I know about letting out the anger too, it scares me because just after getting out of the hospital after being treated for the anorexia last year, I don't remember much, but with my feelings, I do remember getting to the point several times where I picked up everything in my room & through it across the room, breaking everything in sight. I don't even remember much about it except is felt like I could come to after it & realize the damage I did. I am sure it was a combination of frustration & looking back, I now realize that there was alot of anger in there besides the fear of the RN from the trauma that my Mother caused to happen because of her determination to be at home.

I know how you are feeling also, I don't even remember the date that my father died except that it was at the end of January, just after the date that my Mother finally died. Like you, I don't know how to deal with the anger & feel so out of place around people that have only good things to say about my Mother.....I pretty much stay away from them.

It is a tough place to be in, & my Mother wasn't physically abusive to me nor does it seem like it was anything as horrible as many others have gone through, but the anger is real & I too am afraid to let it out.....but it builds like a volcano.....& I am really afraid about what will happen when it lets go, so I really try to surpress it.

When I read your post & the thread, I felt like I could really relate to the feelings that you are going through & it makes me realize that your thoughts are very similar to what I have been trying to deal with everyday for well over a year now.

I wish I had answers & feel out of place when people have such good things to say about their parents who have died.....but I think that there are many of us who feel the anger & just keep silent because we do feel so out of place. When I say anything bad, people make me feel bad for saying anything bad which angers me even more for not being able to express my real feelings.

Hope you are able to put the trigger you mother placed on you into the background soon, but it seems like something we will always have to deal with. But being honest with our feelings is important. We shouldn't be forced to say things we don't feel just to make someone else happy. You are entitled to be honest with your feelings. However, I know that at times I feel guilty in that I can't seem to see the good things for all the bad. I know that there was some good that I am just not recognizing, but for now, I have to deal with the anger because it is real too.

Debbie