I will try to explain myself clearly... though, not sure how, as these thoughts are too strange to be put in words.

So this goes back to a thread I started some time ago http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=188515 Sad eyes, feelings from past existences. I always felt my previous existence was not a happy one. I probably met some tragic end even. I don't know, as I did not dare to explore that yet too deeply. I done some astral projection where I projected myself all the way to birth of life on Earth, though.

So not so long ago it occured to me... what if my manias are some attempt to balance the darkness I carry? (I was superserious as a child... it took me years and years to learn to be spontageous. I still cannot let go fully and try to be in control all the time... so maybe it has to come out somehow...).

I am trying to find balance, trying to figure out myself, but there are times I swing too much either side. In meantimes I feel like I am walking on a tightrope.

(yeah, I know this may sound bit... crazy... but i needed to get it out and put in words).