thanks hysteria.i really do have a hard time with words and i know how much they can hurt people .i use to be very horrible in how i treated the T's in my life and you are so right that T's are human and have a right to respond it just hurts but yes i do learn my lesson ans for sure i don't think i will ever send hr another letter in the mail again.
this is the letter i had written and sent to her.the last time she talked to me about trust i wrote her a letter about how i felt about trust but was to scared to send it so i added some of the stuff i had said to this letter because i felt it was needing to be said.i know i shouldn't have sent the letter but maybe someone can tell me a better way to say the things i need to say.i really have no words most of the time.i did tell her i was sorry for sending her the letter.i also put some of what i remember as my T's response to each paragraph.it was really helpful to remember what the were as best i could.

dear T,
i just hate everything tonight.i am so angry.you ask me for something i just cant give trust.why does everything need to come down to trust? i have never trusted anyone.Heal i dint even have any idea how to even begin to trust someone.not so sure i want to.It's OK if you don't want to see me anymore because i don't think i will ever know how to trust anyone.

my T response.in short Trust is basic and i don't think this is true that you cant trust people

i think i remember a long time ago you talked about kids and babies needing to trust.i know as a kid i never trusted anyone.i never wanted anything to do with people.i don't ever remember not hating people.in a strange way i think i trust people more now than i did as a kid.i just Had no need for horrible people.

my T response.this makes a lot of sense to me.i don't believe you did trust much why would you.you had no reason.or something like that

i think you also said babies have no choice but to trust don't see being forced to depend on a parent or guardian as any form of trust.i may have been Dependant but i don't need to like it. the idea of that woman ever taking care of me in any way makes me sick.the idea of her having to touch me for any reason makes my skin crawl,it's disgusting. i cant stand thinking about it knowing she hated every minute of anything she ever had to do for me,and hated me for it.so she fed me.how hard could it have been to shove a bottle in my face to shut me up? wow was i wrong,i must have been oozing trust all over the place,after all this undying love who wouldn't.

mt T response was long to this.she asked me how her reading this made me feel.i said nothing but worry about how i will feel later and she talked some about flashbacks.she also talked some about parenting and also about me parenting my son.about how babies are no born bad(don't believe it)and just a lot to write

you keep asking me to come up with some way that i could feel safe talking to you.at least this is what i think you are asking me.i can't,i have nothing. god it just seems like you think i have some choice in this, i don't. you talk to me about trust but don't want to tell me how,or cant.maybe i cant see it.probably wouldn't know it if it bit me in the ***.

my T's response . she said she wouldn't ask me to trust her and understands why i wouldn't.she then pointed out some people in my life that i might trust like my husband and my best friend.in a way it was like she was showing me that i can trust and how to trust by making me look at how i trust these people .it was nice.she said she understands why i don't trust her and who is she to ask for my trust or something like that

i don't know why i keep getting so angry and i am sorry.i know it is selfish and unhelpful. it is just me.i hate it when you think it is something you did wrong,it isn't i don't think i have ever seen anyone work so hard.thank you

thanks for your time
granite

my T response is. i can see why you keep getting so angry because week after week you come in here trying to communicate and you open your mouth and because you get scared or something nothing happens. or something like that.then she went on to talk about the letter and how it isn't helpful if i send her letters and than not talk about them.and then went on to talk about my friend and the mother.

i know i could have written this letter better and probably will never write another one again it is just to painful.