(((emptybee15))) - yeah, i've had similar feelings. i could not have kids or a family and, when my siblings married or had children, i had mixed feelings. their successes raised issues with my personal failures / problems. i was asked to be a godparent though i really didn't want to be; still, i said yes despite my feelings.

i think you are seeing the child through your brother. but, children do not ask to be born and when he grows up he will be a person possibly very different to your brother and, he might even turn out to be a good friend to your child. please remember that this just born boy will need all the help he can in this difficult world. please do not pre-judge him. i can relate to and understand your feelings with all you have been through, and all the water under the bridge with the boy's dad. i have a feeling that once you lay your eyes on the boy and pick him up and hold him that he will bring you joy.

when i was young, my godmother (an aunt) was the constant reliable person in my life. (mom did not like me much and often mistreated me.) without my aunt, i don't know what would have happened to me. i have tried to follow her lead with my nieces and nephew. it is my way of saying thanks to her. all the best to you!