Quote:
Originally Posted by sunrise
Lynn, good for you for trying to keep the proceedings amicable and putting your kids first. Keep your eyes on the prize--happy, well-adjusted, thriving kids--and that will help you keep on track with many divorce decisions.
No one has mentioned collaborative divorce--that's different from mediation and does not involve going to court. My former husband and I used that method to dissolve our marriage. It is available in Canada. I think it offers a bit more protection than mediation; anyway, it worked for us--we have a very cordial co-parenting relationship. Go here for more information:
http://www.collaborativepractice.com/
Lynn, I'm a little concerned that you're being kind of passive on this. This is a super important document! I think it would be so helpful to you if you could be involved in its creation. Can you and your H and a lawyer sit down together to draw this up? That way both of your ideas can be incorporated? If your H draws up the papers, yes, you can always say no to certain things, but it has a really different flavor to "opt out" like that, instead of creating something together that you both are OK with from the start. I urge you to be involved and not just leave the legal stuff up to him. Be a team and do it together.
This is what I mean about being passive, Lynn. It's not up to him to sell the house. You both need to be involved in that decision. You own that house together, don't you? Please keep communication open. If you "don't know", that is not a good sign. Talk about the house with him.
If you're having an amicable and civil divorce, won't you have joint custody? Then you don't have to specify things in the document like he can see the girls any time. He's their dad--let's hope he can see them, and live with them too, at least part of the time. Remember, eyes on the prize. Do what's best for the girls. For many children, that's often joint custody (unless one of the parents is abusive, lives far away, etc.). Kids need both their parents. Joint custody doesn't mean 50/50 equal time spent with the children, just some time, and that both parents have input into important decisions about their children. My former H and I have joint ("shared") custody, although my girls spend more time with me (about 65/35).
Good luck to you, lynn. It's a sad time, but can also be a relief. Like walking around after you take your heavy ski boots off. You may feel like you can fly when it's over. |
Thank you very much sunrise for your helpful post. Unfortunately I'm not knowledgeable about law or divorces. The collaborative or civil divorce is exactly what I want. TBH I'm doubting if he's even serious about this and instead is testing the waters because we've danced around this subject for 6 yrs but not to this point where he said he spoke to a lawyer.
I have to give a bit of history, but will say I won't sign anything unless its fair. He on the other hand is interested in reading law cases and is kind of a wannabe lawyer. He had several law suits through out the yrs and several friends who are lawyers. Since he's has potential/history of being emotionally abusive I have to tip toe around him. Yes I basically have been cornered to be passive. He's extremely controlling especially with money, so I don't know how he's going to manage giving me money without knowing where every penny goes. I literally have to ask for money to get groceries.
If he's having papers drawn up, I suppose that would take a few days so I'm going to wait and see. I don't think 1 lawyer can represent both of us, so I admit this is nerve wracking. I know he struggles with not wanting to lose control over me. I have a feeling he might try to dodge a set amount given to me monthly and instead make it voluntary. The disadvantage to this is I would still be under his control and if he's mad he might withhold money. I have a feeling the only time I won't be under any control is when my kids are legal age. I know I want it to be civil and hoping he does follow through. He's extremely stubborn.
A good example of how I'm so out of decisions - 13 yrs ago he bought the house we're in without even telling me. He also buys cars without my input. He even brags about that and thinks its humorous.