I don't have any advice to offer, I am just wishing for you that you find this balance, and find the answers you seek. Doesn't sound crazy to me, I have often wondered the same thing. I once was told I was a horrible person in a previous life, and that is why my current life is so painful. I struggled with that idea for a long time, I finally disregarded it all together. I don't know what I believe in anymore.