Oh, JD that is definitely the PTSD talking. Now your better than that, you have worth to me and others have truely appreciated your wisdom and efforts. Fair warning I have a lot to say here.

If your here JD, than there is a reason and you know it within your own "FAITH" and I respect that about you. Are there going to be others that will make attempts to jepordize that, think. Think about all the messages that you probably know by heart.
I only know a few and often I find a lot of strength in just those few.

Oh JD, it is often so hard to stay focused in life. I had such a horrible weekend and a realization last night that came to me and I have been thinking about putting it here in a thread somewhere, but today I was so tired still from my long weekend as clear as I see it, I am physically tired out from sitting in the electric chair all weekend. I didn't know where to put it but I think here is good.

Think about a while back about a woman that lived in a neighborhood and noticed a lot of things, really noticed. This woman decided to write about all the things that she observed. And that book became a truth that was controversial, somethng no one else would dare to admit.

And this woman tried to have this book published and no one would have the courage to print it, too much controversy. But, eventually there was one place that would take that challenge. Well it came to print and that book was so controversial that it was banned, burned and outlawed and still people snuck out to buy it and read it.

I often talk about a small contribution and how that small contribution can fan out.
Often times people cannot really see that suggestion and can only think on a grand scale. But thankfully there are those that see the point of the message or even just simply make a small contribution that makes a real difference in someone else and that spreads to others.

And what was that book? "Paton Place". Now today many of the things in that book are common knowledge and that woman is a hero in many ways. That courageous woman that opened a door that no one else wanted to open and just look at how that fanned out and what we know today.

This forum is a very difficult forum and I hit some foul balls myself here and I really tried not to. But in the little foul ball I hit I unfortunately opened a door for many others to do the same. So I had to think about that and it wasn't really productive, not really, just made everyone hurt or uncomfortable.

And yet at the same time it offered me a way to look at things differently and try to understand the difficult situation that we all live in today. I even saw it in my deposition that I describe in my thread down there in the PTSD forum. I said one word in my deposition and I was trying so hard to just get through it without having a flashback and my own attorney went completely off topic as that term is used here.
And my depositon went to a place that had no use to anyone, not even my attorney.

I remember the time when all of a sudden I had to learn how to stop saying one thing and learn to say Happy Holidays. And my whole life I said that other thing and I never even gave it a thought, and all of a sudden I had to consciously stop and make sure I didn't say something I had been so used to saying without much thought.

I think about how mindful we have to be about others and how we have to be very careful about what we say now. But, at the same time, we are not mindful of others and do and say things that hurt others all the time. And the one thing I noticed is that people do not want to know or accept the truth either.

When I really trace my own personal struggle to one big root, I can see something that has been a constant challenge for as long as I can remember. And I also see that it is the root to all the triggers that rattle me to the depths of me.

All the truths I could not speak and how I suffered so because of it. I think about the boy that date raped me and how I got pregnant and I could not reveal the truth because somehow I knew that I would not be believed or that it would have perhaps hurt my dad and his relationship with that rich client who was the father of the guy.
And how quickly I was pushed to a place that was to erase what occured because of that event. And somehow I knew that that boy could present his lie as a truth and how it could blow up in not only my face but my dads face. So, I just kept quiet and was to blame.

And I think about my husband and how he had his truth that was a lie and how I suffered through that for many years and how hard it was for the real truth to be presented and not all of it at once, oh how I suffered from that. And then there is that moment when I was going to finally hear another truth about him cheating with two other women and how that guilt was taken out on me for so many years. So many times the truth of me was so threatening to him.

And then even though I tried to repair that, I tried so hard to forgive and I can remember it was our aniversary and making love was such an effort for me, but he was sober. And then we went out to dinner and I will never forget how he wore those shaded sunglasses that hid his eyes, or so he thought. I saw him staring at something during our dinner out and it was distracting him and I was curious so I dropped a napkin and looked behind and saw that he was staring at a woman that could have been a twin sister to one that he had cheated on me with. And I sat up and asked him what he was looking at and he said, "What are you talking about, I am not looking at anything". And he pushed his glasses up on his nose and I could see he kept staring. JD, he was sober and I can't even describe how violated I felt.

I have not been able to make love with him since. And this root is so powerful that I am afraid to bring up this occurance because I don't want to hear him say that I was imagining something that never happened. Because that would cause me so much pain, and yet it is always there.

And when I faced this weekend it was really hard because I knew that many of the people next door with that loud band had done the same thing. And I could describe each occurance but that would make my post too long. And each time my truth was something not wanted at all.

And then Sunday came and I woke up very early because I had not really slept and I looked outside and saw that loose pony and I knew that I made sure that everyone was secure and the gates were all chained. (no pony can unchain these gates).
And I could feel a memory of a pain that I was deeply intimate with begin to come into my body. And when my husband got up and I told him he responded to that like he had done many other times, it was my imagination.

And then my attorney called just as I was trying very hard to collect myself to work that day and he talked about a depositon that he never informed me of, even after I sat and told him face to face and on the phone that it was really important I be given plenty of notice. And there was absoultely no hint of his error stated. And even Monday morning my attorney called again and asked if I could attend a deposition if he could manage to schedule one next week and I said yes as long as he gives me notice and I could not even get to discuss what he had done and he quickly did not give any more way to disscusion and hung up. He wanted his lie so bad that anything I felt was inconsequencial to him.

And I would like to boach on the subject of how I cannot get intimate with my husband but at the same time I am not ready to hear that what I experienced did not take place and it was my imagination.

I am a person who believes in the truth and I have recognized that other people don't want to face the truth and the constant response I get is that I am the one that is in the wrong somehow. And that has been going on my whole life, ever since I can remember.

So, every word you have spoken here is a constant deep feeling that I have to fight every single day. And I am living a maze of so many lies that others so need to protect everywhere I look.

We may not be able to utter certain words here to each other, and I can understand that, I truely can now. But what I can say to you is everyday I am there too and I am really trying and all I know is that in the beginning you made that possible for me and that is really what is important in todays world. Because it isn't about certain words, it is the truth that matters and the reaching out and I hear you that mean more than the words that might get in the way of the real need. It really isn't about the words, it is about how we practice what they mean. There are those that go to places and have certain names and faiths, but they don't really practice those words or that "FAITH". Actions speak louder than any words.

Open Eyes