Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmamma
This happens/ed to me all of the time. But the fear off not being able to handle the full memory flooding me was just that a fear, in reality after talking about what it was I was seeing it was like a aha moment, suddenly I knew that it meant and I felt strong enought at the same time to handle it now and wondered why it felt so bad inside. Proberbly because for me the memories were from childhood and a child doesnt have the ablity to think about things like an adult which helps with the processing. From a childs perspective its all to much, and its that which prevents us from thinking about it as adults.
Once the memory was recovered (actually my life is full of those memories from ongoing abuse) it made me feel more capable in life. If that makes sense.
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Hi Earthmama,
I hope that if i ever remember the whole picture, it will be as it was with you, that i will be able to handle it.
The odd thing is that it doesn't feel as though the child part of me that experienced the trauma is the part that is afraid to tell. It feels like the adult part of me is afraid to know. I have a strong feeling of guilt about suspecting somebody i know of doing this traumatic thing. Like i would feel horrible blaming them (even inside my own mind) for something that perhaps they never did do. So in a way, i guess i am saying that i don't trust my own memories and perceptions, and think i somehow remembered it wrongly or maybe just dreamed it so that it feels real. Does that make sense?
On the other hand, I'm so aware of this very deep buried pain and know that "something" is responsible for the way i feel. My family can be quite secretive (several years ago, they divorced but stayed living together, and didn't even tell me). So it's possible and probably even likely that if something bad happened like I remember, that they would deny or hide it. Even though they know I've been in therapy a long time and have suffered depression -- and that some of it was due to my childhood -- my mom says she can think of nothing that happened out of the ordinary in my childhood that would have caused my depression today (even though she knows i was SA by a neighbor).
Actually, one of my memories is of something bad happening to my sister, and me telling my mom, and then mom saying it never happened and i dreamed it. So I guess I'm sort of telling myself the same thing today.
In most of my traumatic memories, i can't see the face of the perpetrator, so can't say for sure who it was. Even the perp. I know for certain about (my neighbor) -- I can't picture his face either. I can't recall what he even looked like. It's weird.