Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna
Do you have a therapist and have you discussed these pieces of memories with them? I don't think the pieces are going to let you "go" until you do process them, see where they lead, what they are about.
One comfort I have noticed for myself; usually one only remembers what one can deal with at the time so when/if you do remember the whole thing, you will be able to deal with it at that time. I'm not saying it will be easy to deal with, just possible.
Rather than try to "force" yourself to remember the whole thing, I would just go with what you have, maybe write stories with a piece, do multiple beginnings/endings? Just jog your memory a little at a time, gently, and without expectations. Accept whatever you have rather than fighting it, it is a bit like a dream, not actually happening in reality now. Whatever it is, the whole experience is with you and part of you so not something to be afraid of.
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Hi Perna,
Yes, I have a t. She says that the more i try NOT to think about my traumas, the more they come to mind.
Maybe i should just start talking to t about those pieces that i DO remember. I wasn't ready to do it a long time ago when we talked about it. I mean i wasn't ready to deal with the emotions connected to it. I wonder if i could handle it now? I dunno. I get so flooded by overwhelming emotions, though, whenever i let myself get in touch with that part of me that hurts. It makes me feel re-traumatized and i sometimes feel exhausted for 2 days afterward. As long as i don't address or indulge the memories that come up, i can function much better. But then i sort of feel like an emotionless robot going through the motions, and in the back of my mind i know i am ignoring my subconscious that is poking at me.
I'm scared about getting the story "wrong." Like what if i seem to remember that X happened and that Y did it. . .but in reality maybe X happened and Z did it. . .or X didn't happen and i dreamed it?? I will feel like a liar, and in my religion, we do not believe in lying. In fact, the Bible says God hates a liar. I don't want to blame the wrong person. How can i process my memories without pinning it on the person who keeps coming to my mind?
The last 3 days i have had a couple of very strong deja-vu feelings. When they came over me, my heart started pounding and i felt nauseous. I had to sit down because i felt faint. While it was happening, i almost connected what it was about. But once it passed, i could not remember. I don't know if these are memories trying to come up from my subconscious, or if i was just doing something that felt familiar that i had done in the past. But i wasn't doing anything unusual, just getting ready to go to work. It doesn't happen often, and i don't like it at all when it does happen.