I dont know what to do. I am so bad and shaking. If I take the pills they help but then I can't do anything else, they effect my short term memory and I can't seem to remember what client I talked to and I get so off track. And then when I do book something I am often worried if I will be capable of doing the job, and I know I need the money and my brain keeps asking me for a break and I do try, but I cant find a way to get a break.

I was doing so much better, really worked hard at it, why?

When I saw that pony loose I can't even tell you how violated I felt. This is so creepy. I try to lie down and sleep but I can't, I am always worried. I am afraid again to put them all out. And forget calling the police, they just dont get it.

How can I even hope to get better because I can't say that was the past not now, because it is now, every single day and I am every bit of that little girl that never seemed to find that safe place.

I think about those hours I hid way up in the trees shivering in the cold. I almost died of pneumonia and even then I couldn't tell. And when I get the shivers from nerves I can remember that huge tree and hanging on in fear and I can remember the tub full of ice and I was so cold and weak and frightened and the doctors face was frightened. And I could not tell any of them. I was so afraid. I am afraid now.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. And I don't want to love anything anymore because it all just gets taken away somehow.

Maybe I did something in a past life that was really bad and this is my hell.

Open Eyes