Last year I was trying really hard and the obstacles kept coming. I had to present the medical history on all these injured animals. And there were a couple of vets that did present a very detailed history that went back to 2003. And my own farm vet could not present records because his operation style is old, he is an old style
country vet, but very knowledgable.

So I had to search everywhere to see if I could find records that dated back and I went into the basement, the attic my husbands files, searched everywhere and I found all the old records. And these records were just bills and little pieces of paper where he would write the names of the animals and what he came for. And it was a lot of work for me to put it all together and match everything up and be accurate.
And I worked on this intermittently for several weeks as I tried to work and I did have some people coming out to try to train animals and my daughter did help.

I also had managed to scrounge up some money to have a shipment of hay delivered, because it is so much more economical to do it that way. And I was still trying to scratch money together to have some vets look at the injured animals to see how badly they were injured.

Well, the hay that was delivered with loaded with a toxic plant. And this hay man knew that I had lost a beautiful pony years ago because of this plant and I gave him all the information on it. And he did deliver clean hay many times. And he also knew about my battle and losses due to my neighbor and that I was struggling. And I did call him and he kept telling me he would replace the hay and it became a kind of odd game. And he would say next week and at the last minute cancel. And all this time I had to sit on the floor in the loft and pretty much sort out hay to feed strand by strand, this plant is so toxic and the more dried out it is the more toxic it is and has leaves that crumble and permeate in the hay and the stems break apart and they permeate too. And the only evidence is those prickers that are on the stems and the backs of the remnants of the leaves. And no one wanted to do this sorting up in that loft that was as hot as an oven. Many nights I sat out there til 1am trying to sort through this tainted hay. And all the while calling this man to please replace it.
And it took me 8 months, 8 months to finally get this hay replaced. And I know this man knew it was a bad batch of hay. And I had liked him and I had to wrap my brain around the fact that he knew my dilemma and he offed that hay on me. He worked that lie for 8 months until he finally got sick of me calling. And I am talking about $2,000 worth of hay. And you cannot really tell it is tainted until you open it up.
But, he knew because he is in that business and I am sure I was not the only pissed off customer, and I was probably the last on his list for replacing, that is if others held out and screamed bloody murder in his ear. Because many times people DO give up and just throw it out.

So I had to figure out how to make small purchases of hay in between and that hay was at a premium, something I really could not afford to do with all the other expenses.

And then every day I was dragging that ring and trying to be there for some people that were doing me this big favor to ride my animals. And they would not have gotten a chance to ride anywhere else for free. And my daughter was riding a horse that I bought to have for myself one day, a beautiful mustang that she even picked on me for buying. But when I got a phone call informing me about him and I went to see him, I could see a starving horse that was in desperate need of being tended to.
And I could see in that skinny black eyed creature, something that spoke of a magnificance that was waiting to be discovered. This was a talent I had, I just seem to know, it must be something in my genetics, I just don't know.

My daughter's horse was a crippled and she had nothing to ride so she took this mustang that I had worked on to fix his projectile diareah and put some weight on him and save money to have his broken teeth from abuse fixed. I think that cost me over a thousand dollars. But I have to say it was so nice to see him stop nursing those broken teeth in the water bucket on a regular basis.

And then I started to see my daughter smile, she was kind of hiding it because she didn't want to admit that I made a wise investment. She was always a little bit jealous of my gift, she wanted to be able to do pic those special ones out too.
And slowly she couldn't help but say, "Mom, this is the smartest horse I have ever worked with, he is truely amazing". Now I did know that he too was injured and I had tried to get him checked very slowly as each time, it was expensive. And the only thing I didn't get to was his pelvis and his hip joint area. But we carefully monitored that. And this animal muscled up and he was just magnificant. Everywhere he went any horse person who had any real knowledge could not help but notice him.

It was always the bright spot of my day to sit and watch my daughter work with this beautiful animal. And I would watch the others that came for their free ride on my remaining animals and even my little arab that I also loved, but could not ride because I was still nursing my damaged feet.

I also didn't really have a desire, I was so tired still and between the hay and the mountain of paperwork that I was getting together for my attorney, I was tired.
And there were those days that I would break and try to deal with these people and tears would be running down my face. I didn't know I was fighting depression. There was no money for a therapist, and I really didn't understand what PTSD meant. I just thought it was a kind of grief trauma that would just go away in time.

This mustang was not as big as my daughter's horse, he is actually a large pony but rides like a big warmblood because he has a big strong bold stride. And I could see the Andelusion in him that came from so long ago from when the Spanish brought these amazing talented animals over to America to use in battle. And I could remember when I was a little girl and my mother would save money and take us to see the Andelusions and Lipazaner stallions perform at the colliseium. These Iberian horse that just took my beath away. And here I was sitting on my front steps watching one being ridden that was jet black with a wavey tail and as one trainer put it, so incredibly sexy.

And to think that this animal was at one time just running in a wild herd in Wyoming and he was captured and traveled to different holding facilities to eventually end up dancing in front of me. He almost was wasted by someone who mistreated him, and now I was able to tell him it was ok, he didn't have to be frightened anymore, he could have a saddle put on his back and he didn't need to be frightened and almost sit down in fear. And I wasn't going to hit him like someone else did, he could be loved, an he really loves to be loved, he just eats it up. And it is a process because he first has to know it is ok to be loved, its ok to let someone in an the touch will be a good one. And in so many ways I could read him so well, because I was that way too. And just like me, he loved to learn and he really appreciated the kindness and he really did want to be loved and feel safe.

His eyes like a big black abiss, unlike like any other eyes I had ever looked into. I look in his eyes and I am swallowed up but the depth of them, a rich depth that is so hard to describe unless one looks for themselves. And there is also an amazing amount of kindness there too. Yes, every person that looks into them, can see it.

My one bright spot of the day was just being in his presence. And it made all the efforts of sorting the hay and working on those medical records bearable. And I finally finished the records and sent a copy to my attorney and to the vet that had not saved the records. And the opposing attorney wanted their own copies for my vet and he told them that he could provide that information but it would take him a lot of time and there would be a big charge for all that time. And I just could not believe that one, time, his time?, of my time and believe me many many hours of my time was going to mean money in my veterinarians pocket. Nice huh?, see how people work?

And my daughter was starting to hear dollar signs attached to my wonderful little mustang. It didn't matter that he was once a wild starving mustang, because all his beauty and talent and presence was what could not be just bought. And my daughter had one thing on her mind, money to go and buy something to replace what had been damaged in her show horse. And one day, after she got a value that was music to her ears I saw something in my own daughter that I would have never expected. I saw her stare right into my eyes and say, I am going to sell him and take all that money and buy myself another horse.

I didn't say a word, she was getting ready to go to Portugal with my inlaws, something they had aways wanted her to see, my mother in law grew up there.
And so I said nothing and for the next two weeks, sorted hay in a god awful heat wave up in that loft, and scheduled my life around some suddenly very entitled people that got free rides on my animals.

Oh and my daughter also suggest that I give my arab to the woman that was coming out for her free rides, after all I was not really riding now was I. No, between my feet and the paper work and this thing called depression that I had not realized I was battling, I should just give up what I had left to others. No, my daughter didn't get it at all.

I better post this before it gets lost.