Thanks Mediator, I didn't know what to do today and I thought about how you have been writing things and I have some things that are bothering me, one tough area that is a bad button in me. So I didn't know what to do today so I just thought I would talk about my year last year and how far I have come and what I dealt with and I did do a lot. But I also went through a lot last year too, on top of the other years, I was trying to be strong and look for the bright spots. My mind is in such a bad state today and I just feel so alone with it. I actually never really wanted to start a thread like this. I just thought that if I kept putting out all the positive strength I had managed to muster for so many years, I could get that part of my brain to be strong again. It was helping until I just had to address this weekend.
I wasn't even expecting it to be so full of triggers. At least I am not shivering at the moment. I didn't take a pill, and I am just trying to talk it out I guess. I guess I just needed to let some things out? And I feel guilty for the way I feel, I should be stronger than this. I just have to work it out somehow.

It is so odd how this PTSD takes hold sometimes. And I never realized how many triggers I had, I had no idea that something like this could happen in the brain.
And I can see now, thankfully but using PC and being able to read back my own output, how sometimes my brain just wants to run, there is a way that it takes all these memories and what is going on now and it tries really hard and yet at the same time its trying to run and it darts around, it is very exhausting. And I was really gaining and getting a handle on so much until this weekend. And when I just come to PC and process different things, it has been so helpful. It really calms my brain down and allows it to think one thing at a time and it also helps to calm my body.
And I was getting so much better, I was actually starting to clean a little and just have some old desires slowly coming back.

Just in my earlier posts, look where my brain went. And those old memories and emotions that I never really realized were there the way they are. I was really a scared little girl, and I can see it differently now. And yet being in this situation where I have seen so many damaging things going on and how it all just comes out, so bazaar. Its inbetween a flashback and a memory, I honestly had no idea that something like this could happen. And when my body shivers like this, then I remember so many times that I shivered like this before, God I was so little, I climbed out of my crib shivering and sat next to a heater to calm myself. I had no idea that I wasn't really cold, I was shivering in fear. God, I was so little, just a baby really.
I was so frightened, I had no way of understanding those feelings. I can still feel that tree that I hid in all those times, just like it was yesterday. And I thought that was long gone, but it isn't and I had no idea that all this time it was there like this.

And it is so hard to try to deal with that and what I am dealing with every single day as well. And I think if I had not have met others here that experience the same issues, I might have gone crazy. It is so unbelievable to me that my body just shivers like this and it goes so far back. And here I am trying to find a way to grab onto it and control it consciously.

And I know I have to fight through this lawsuit, and I have really been working at it, but I cannot present this shivering person, people just don't get this, and I certainly don't want to encourage anyone to think I am crazy. I am not crazy, but I do have something that has been triggered to the point that I am now very aware that I do have to be careful. And I DO try to stay away from situations that aggrivate this conditon. And, I can be really strong, but it is an effort and I DO have to be careful.

Open Eyes