I am coming up on my 5 yr anniversary with T. Hard to believe. At our last session we did some really important and deep work. Core stuff. How can new and important things still be coming up after 5 whole years? After the session I felt so strongly about the value of long term therapy. I would never ever have gotten to this really important stuff if I had been limited to 10-20 sessions.

A couple of months ago, right before some stressful and sad events in my life, I had made a breakthrough in therapy, and finally revealed something super important that I had been struggling to tell T for a few years. After that, therapy went in another direction—stress, grief, loss, death, etc. This week at last we got back to the earlier track. It involved events from when I was a teen/young adult. We worked with that younger self. She was forced into some big decisions and actions at an early age. I wish someone so young hadn’t had to be in such situations. It hurt to recall this. T wanted me to comfort this younger self—say something to her, give her a hug. He suggested this several times but I wouldn’t. I was reluctant. We’ve done this kind of work before—having my adult self give comfort and reassurance to a younger ego state—but I would not do it this time. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how, but that something held me back. I didn’t want to reach out to this younger self, to comfort her, clasp her to my being. I finally reported to T that I am not doing it, I am resisting what you are asking me to do. It was a strange feeling. T said let’s explore that--why couldn’t I comfort her? It was hard to realize, but I finally told him that it was because she didn’t deserve it. That was an eye opener for me. (And pay dirt for T.) In that moment, I discovered an unknown big rift between me and a younger self, something I’d been maintaining for decades. An estrangement. And she, poor thing, was judged and rejected by me for things she did when she was so very young. I have not treated her well at all. I was able to recognize the magnitude of some of her decisions and stand a little in awe of what someone so young had encountered and passed through. T said it sounded like I wanted to give her some credit, and I agreed, yes. So together, we gave her some credit. I could do that, even though I couldn’t reach out and pull her to me. I guess that means I don’t think she is all bad, which helps me feel better about being so judgmental about her. That’s something to build on. We have a lot more work to do here. My T is a family systems therapist, so this is right up his alley (he can work with a person’s inner family too).