Crying..........I wasnt expecting this, so many nice thoughts here. It really means a lot, you have no idea, I was always so alone all my life really. All I ever did is fight these awful battles. And I didn't really want people to know that about me, because I was always so strong, had to always be so strong, so many times.

Rose, your words mean a lot about PTSD and how it does make that sense of desire for exposing the truth so much more powerful. I never really thought of it that way.
I just always knew that I hated it when people lied and cheated and took advantage of others. And I hate when I see them get away with it too.

You know, I could give a lot of things as you say, but these animals are safe and no one wants a crippled animal, no one wants to take time for their special needs. I look at their faces and I really feel bad. They don't understand why they hurt or can't do things anymore. And I am not the kind of person who can just give them a needle and put them down because it is hard for me. They are not that way, they are thriving, and they look at me in a kind of gratefulness. I thought about dismantling my farm and walking away, sure my neigbor would be the first in line to get his creepy hands on my place, and believe me he is creepy and I already know he loves my place. But what about my animals, what I did for years, what I managed to build up in spite of an alcoholic husband and everything else I faced. This damage was me, it was my safe spot and it took me years to create.

I understand what your saying Rose, and I was reaching out to you too, but look at the strength you pour out here. That is so amazing to me. And I never really connected my strong sence of wanting justice and fairness to myself and animals and other human beings as being created by my PTSD.

And though I was so afraid of my bother and even ran from him, I felt sorry for him too. I was so little and I knew he was suffering too. And when I am with my attorney those emotions are very much the same. I can see his hands shaking as he fumbles through my files, he has told me that he forgets and yet he is still smart as a whip. And I can see an old man not wanting to let go of that younger man that was so well known for his successes in practicing law. And when he raises his voice in anger, it is about more than just me, but it was just like that with my brother. And I just happened to be there and became a victim. And in my last depositon listening to him talk about himself not being a bad jew and how he made it a point to talk about his interactions with colleges that were so successful and even philanthropists.
I could see his eyes staring off in disbelief of how quickly the years went by.

And there was not enough time to finish my depositon because of his stories and moments of trying to express his own worth somehow. And I was just so caught off guard and the way he talked about himself was just not appropriate in that atmosphere. And there I was this entity again caught in the issues of another person. And that whole experience was a lot to process, I truely never expected that to happen at all.

I don't want to be the bad guy here. Why isn't anyone else seeing this, or maybe they are and this effort to disolve the firm was one way of addressing it. After all he owns that building and he was a big part of that firm. And here I am, just stuck in this process and not really included in the real truth of it all. And this is really beyond me. And maybe those other attorneys wont touch me because they might see it too. But how is that going to help me? I have my whole life at stake here, and I am losing ground to the point where I am bearly functioning. And it is such a fine line between staying on top of him and pissing him off. And I can feel it every time I am around him. And in so many ways, it is so much like my brother and that I was just this innocent child trying to find some way of dealing with it and just surviving it.

And even worse, the same thing with my husband and his disease and how he lashed out too. Talk about eggshells, well, that is basically my whole life. And all I ever did is try to find my own place where I could walk normally.

And I can't even go and see my aging mother, and how badly I want her arms around me, but I can't let her see how much pain I am in, so I stay away and just try to call her when I am sure I can talk without breaking down. And someday she's not going to be there an I am going to miss that. It sure is hard because it would not be good for her to worry about me. And on her birthday I was really struggling and I really wanted to go and visit her and take her out, but I knew that I was not strong enough to do that without maybe breaking. And I did go to visit her once and I unexpectedly had a terrible flashback in front of her and I just couldn't talk, and I know I frightened her and I could see her fear and I could do nothing, I was trapped in that horrible flashback. And my sister wants my parents to think I am crazy because, as always she wants control. And that goes all the way back as well.
Between my brother and my sister, I was terrified all the time.

Open Eyes