((((I had no idea)))))

Thank you for your input, I have been trying to consider the process as well.
And I am glad you stated the fact that the victim is put through a lot in this legal process, unfortunately I am experiencing that. And that alone has been hard to wrap my brain around. No, it doesn't appear to have any significance on how things turtle along in the justice system and add additional stress to an already troubling diagnosis of PTSD. And I think that is unjust in itself.

And it is such a balancing act because I certainly don't want to jump on my attorney and blame him for the process itself, and yet I don't want the process to blind me from seeing his lack either. But I do see definites where he has lacked and the whole situation is very difficult to try to stay on top of.

And there was a part of me that just thought of going to the deposition scheduled on Monday and I am really glad I didn't because I really broke down on Monday and I did go to the right place, my therapist. I was shivering in his office, a complete wreck, I could not have endured a deposition like that and it was not anything I could control.
And I hate that about this PTSD. I truely was not expecting last weekend to present so much all at once. And I don't even know how I managed to work on Sunday because I was in a lot of pain, and dissy and nauseous. And I had worked Saturday too and I worked hard. And I was exhausted trying to stay awake to look after my horses/ponies and I had convinced myself that I had to stop being hypervigiallant and just go to bed and that no one was going to do anything to my animals. So when I woke up and saw that loose pony, it just blew me away. And the day just presented one thing after another that just continued to blow me away.

And just as I was finishing my last post, the door made a sound, and I was deep in thought, trying to relax and I wasn't expecting it and a rush came right back into my body. And my husband started in with do this, do that and trigger, trigger, trigger.
And as hard as I am trying to explain to him how I am having a bad day, riddled with anxiety and exhausted in every way, he just doesn't get it. And he just continues to push and I just am not in the mode to be all that receptive. And I don't like it myself.

And what gets me is that for years I had to try to understand his alcoholism and be alone while it was all about him and his meetings. And then I had to find a way to understand that when he cheated with those sluts wearing no protection that at the time he was intoxicated and therefore not responsible for his will? Ahhhhhhhh, and does he not really get how all those years of me feeling so unsafe and having to deal with forgive, forgive, forgive had a profound effect on my brain? Oh yes, I was so strong back then, why not today? And I do wonder that myself. And I have been doing nothing but trying to get back to that strong person. And then again that woman was filling a place in her brain that was eventually going to blow? So I have to be a new person, and I have been slowly working on that. But I know that I cannot erase years and years of abuse over night. And the conditions under which I am trying to do so are definitely not ideal at all.

Open Eyes