I am usually not one for discussing my marriage online, but in many ways I feel like there is a loss of how to heal it. Let me start by saying I genuinely love, honor, and cherish my husband. I have been committed 100%. Now I am no angel. I have been in recovery from drug addiction for six years. I have been through allot in my life and have been very honest about it with my husband. I tried to scare him away when we met because I never had been genuinely loved before, it was strange for me. We are opposites in ways and the same in others- but our upbringings were like night and day. He came from a very loving home, like The Brady Bunch and I came from a life I would much rather forget(even though we know that doesn't happen.) It felt like Prince Charming had saved Cinderella from her evil family and we would live happily ever after.
It's been three years since we married and about a year ago I came across some photos that I simply could not believe. I do not want to get into the details, but these pictures of my husband were really painful to see. Basically the photos told me that my husband had a secret fetish and the craziest part of all of this is that I would have accepted it had I known. I toned my "wild side" down to be the wife I thought he wanted.I thought he was too embarrassed to admit his tastes, but I had to talk to him about it because he was sharing this part of his life with strangers online and through IM's. Is that considered cheating?? In a way I thought it was very deceptive and unfair to our relationship. We talked about it, cried, hugged and he gave me the impression that he would not talk online anymore. I love him so much that I actually feel bad for bringing it up, he is the greatest man I have ever known and provides a wonderful life for my daughter and I.
I may have been purposely naive thinking it was a behavior that could just stop forever. Months went by and things were OK, but our sex life took a steady nosedive. I think I was angry inside and he was just "void" about things. Then one day I came down the steps and he fumbled with his IPod real nervous like. I got a bad feeling, and when he went to the store I looked at the device. Lo and behold, there was a mess of IM's and emails between my husband and others discussing sexually explicit events. Now I was furious. When he came home I told him I do not know what to do about this anymore. He looked like he was busted and there was no way out of it. I asked, WHY? When did this begin? He said it is an addiction, starting when the internet became a regular thing for people. I asked him how he would feel if I started an online relationship with another man? Is that OK? He then realized how I was feeling. I told him I need time to understand how I feel because I firmly believe that when there are issues- you take a step back and consider the situation with care. I am really unhappy since this happened, but I just didn't know what to do. I turned to my addiction by taking too many ambien for three days straight. Ambien puts you in a heavy emotionless cloud, but you behave like an idiot. Its like being really drunk. The last day of this behavior, my husband sat down next to me and asked me why I was doing this? I broke down sobbing and told him it was the only way I knew how to deal with being angry at him. He felt really awful, he knows what he did really hurt me- but cannot erase that pain.
This was a long post I know, but I needed to get it out. I have not told anyone about what happened- I couldn't. I do not trust anyone enough to share this. Part of me feels like we are headed for an end. I don't want that and neither does he- but how do we repair what is broken? I spoke with my counselor after the first incident and she thought I should really try to let it go and be happy. I just don't know, where do we go from here?