I like to be a mostly organized person, meaning that my Friends list on Facebook is true to the word; only my actual friends and family are on there (numbering to a grand total of 38 friends).

As I was deleting folks I haven't talked to in a long time (and have no desire to re-ignite communications with), I noticed for perhaps the billionth time in my life; I have very few friends, to put it mildly.

My best friend "Dave" is back home 2,000 miles away, in college. My next closest friend is even farther, working hard in Utah. And finally, my last close friend is also far away in Nevada. I have several acquaintances here in South Carolina, and that's it. And by several I mean 5. And that's really it.

With the clarity of retrospect, I see that throughout my life, I have have had no friends for multiple extended periods of time. My best friend Dave only became my hypothetical brother after he matured. As a kid, he was a snake; smiling at you while he stabbed you in the back (he wants to be a politician, haha!). Ironically, he's the only lasting friend I have, and he's the best. Throughout my childhood, it's pretty much just been him as my friend. He's always had numerous friends, he's contagious. I'm one of his many close friends. I am the opposite.

Why is this? I can say that there are plenty of things in our culture that I just don't like. I don't like sports (competition tends to bring out the worst in us; team work is where it's at), I listen to Classical music and movie soundtracks, I don't dance, I don't like loud chaotic crowds, I'm a very safe driver, and I obey the law 100%. This doesn't fly well with most people around my age (20). I'm pretty much boring in their eyes, even if we share multiple common interests.

I'm socially awkward and I'm incredibly lonely all the time. I'm so willing to hang out with people, to get to know them; somehow I'm the one starting conversations, taking the lead, encouraging positive environments. And yet, "Hey call me later! We can hang out/play video games/whatever!" "Okay!" Never got that call. Was it something I said? I doubt it. I might be slightly awkward but I've seen worse! I had everyone dying with laughter (not at me, with me) just a minute ago, I'd imagine they'd be a little more open.

I'm very alone here in South Carolina. New place, new people, I've never been here before. The terrible thing is that my job required me to be trained in a different location. Everyone was in a class of 8. A few people from each class, as well as the class just ahead or behind them, would wind up together at the same location. Everyone already has their friends, their clique. They have a schedule. I was injured, and was delayed. My class and everyone I knew went ahead and experienced many things together, pretty much forgetting about me. Now I show up, "new," disrupting their plans and trying to inject myself into their lives.

What can I do? 90% alone throughout my life, 95% alone now. Why am I chronically alone? Are my standards too high? Are most people alone like this? And how can I cope with this intense loneliness I'm always feeling? I never think of anything else. "All I want is friends, I want a girlfriend, I want a family, I want to live the American Dream, all I want is love." And yet it is fleeting. My parents love me, but they're not in South Carolina.

Thank you for your time and patience.
-Jesse