i have a huge headache today too

the weeks seem to be slipping by so fast and the months and it won't be long until i have nothing left.

i am so miserable. months and months go by

i know i wasn't sleeping well recently but that was brought on by the change in medication. i couldn't sleep well when i got home from the hospital, and i worked that out, was ok for a little while, then had the new sleep problems. so now i am sleeping better but it took all this hard work just to get back to the level i was at before. overall there is no progress. i am going around in circles. there are many days that i feel as bad or worse than the day i went to the hospital.

and for a long time i had confidence that with all the other crap, at least i would be able to put my skills to use to support myself if and when i beat this, but over the past week a few things happened that put things more into perspective for me and how hard it will be for me to actually make use of things and how hard it will be to be well, but unemployed, and still dealing with everything alone. the lonliness is really getting to me with regard to v-day because not only do i not have a valentine, but i;ve NEVER had a valentine. no one has ever in my life returned the love i had for them. always "just friends" and now even my friends are gone. no one has ever been "in love" with me, not even someone i wasn't interested in.

i just want some sign that i will survive this. and by survive i mean both the illness and all the many problems that this illness has brought, job, financial, loss of friends, loss of trust. and by sign i don't mean a sign from outside but a sign from somewhere inside of me, some peek at some hope, some of the confidence that i used to have.

i have to get some rest

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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