Hi Sannah,

I saw my t yesterday and talked to her about some of this. She told me that memory is not always 100%. Sometimes, it is a combination of actual memories, or pieces of memories, mixed with our thoughts and perhaps even things we've seen or that others have told us. But in general, if our minds and bodies are "poking" at us, then there's a trauma to address. She said the important thing isn't the details of the memory as much as about the feelings we have about the memory/flashback or whatever. Dealing with how it makes us feel.

Right now, i think i want to start dealing with the memories i am sure about, in pieces i can handle. But those memories that are partial or where i am afraid of understanding it wrong or maybe blaming the wrong person (in some of them, i can't see the person's face). . .in those cases, i just want to process my emotions about it, how when i think about it, it makes me feel very scared or sad or whatever. In one of the memories, i'm scared it might be a certain person, but i just don't feel able to name them to t, i just don't want to go there, because i am not sure and could be wrong about it.

On my session yesterday, we were doing ego state therapy and i got in touch with a part of myself that is like my mom -- and even for a few minutes, i think i was getting myself mixed up with my mom in my mind. But anyway, this part of me wants everything to be happy and perfect and not to acknowledge that bad things ever happen -- and especially not in "our family." This is exactly how my mom is, she denies or ignores tragedies and grief and sad things -- which is why i was so often alone with my pain as a child.

What i discovered yesterday is that I have a part of me that feels just like my mom does. Which means that i really don't believe myself (the hurt child parts of me) when i get these memories about my traumas. I don't want to think they are true. I don't want to listen to them. Yesterday in my session, i found myself saying that I have an overactive imagination, that i blow things out of proportion, and that i probably just made it up or dreamed the traumas, that they aren't real. (In one of my memories, this is actually something that my mom told me once. I had gone to her and told her about something bad that happened, and she told me it didn't happen, that i only dreamed it. So i kind of tell myself the same thing now.)

So anyway. . .we spent some time talking about how i can trust my memories and perceptions, i can trust my mind and body that there is a reason for my pain, that i am not just making things up -- even if i do not have all the details.

So. . .maybe now i am ready to start processing some of my traumas, as long as we take it slow enough for me to handle it. And as long as i don't have to name anybody or fill in blanks where I am not sure about something.

Maybe in some ways, i am still avoiding because a part of me does suspect a certain person of doing something, but at this point, i just do not believe it or want to. I just want to address what i remember and/or my emotions about things that i may not fully remember.