Sannah,

About the part where i function better if i don't acknowledge traumas. . .t has said that i have worked really hard to my awareness and emotions separate. I never ever learned how to manage my distressing emotions as a kid (and had them often!) So at some point, i think i just began to dismiss them along with my bad experiences. There was no one in my family to validate what happened or my feelings about it.

So many times, there would be difficult incidents at home that would leave me confused and crying, yet i'd end up in my room alone, trying to figure out what happened, why my dad was being mean to me, what i did wrong. And it would drive me crazy because i could not understand or figure it out. And no one would comfort me or explain to me what was going on. The next day, everybody would act like the incident the previous day had never occurred.

So now, when i'm faced with my subconcious trying to bring some of these incidents back to mind, I don't feel capable of managing the intense emotions that come with them. I feel confused. And i don't really trust myself to know what happened correctly. It's like since childhood, my experiences have been invalidated for so long that i now can't trust my own mind. My strongest urge is to invalidate myself and my memories -- along with the part of me that holds the memories and the pain. This keeps me very stuck in my therapy, unable to move forward.

Also. . .it is not just my "mother" part that wants to see everything as good and perfect that prevents me from validating my memories and feelings about them. . .but i have other parts of me that stand in the way as well in therapy. One part of me is very, very protective and untrusting and does not want to let anybody, including my t, get close to the parts of me that feel young and hurt. I have been hurt and betrayed too many times when i trusted and opened up my true self to someone. So despite years with my t, there is still part of me that holds back letting her access the part of me that feels hurt and sad and scared. I always want to put on this mask of competence and i have a wall around me.

So it's hard. I want to heal so much, but i seem to have parts of myself that stand in the way.