I'm hoping and praying for some sort of answer on this topic, I feel so lost and I'm not sure what to do anymore. Allow me to give you my situation and brief history, thank you so much in advance for taking the time to read.

Most of this is incredibly embarrassing to admit, so please don't make fun of me... I hate myself enough as it is.

Now: I am a 20-year-old female who has never been in a real romantic/sexual relationship. Nothing has ever felt right. I have been with a few guys for a short amount of time, and every time we were doing something sexual I felt like I was just waiting for him to finish, to get off me, I felt bored or sick or stuck.

Then: When I was little, I remember playing a game with a friend of mine. We were under 10, both girls. It was something of a doctor / experiment with sexual feelings kind of game, which makes me feel ashamed. However the thing that really really bothers me is the context of the game... the whole time, it was always from the point of view of being abused. As in one of us was pretending to be a much older man, and the other one was a child. I remember that whoever was the "man" had to force the "child" and make them take fake pills and do things to "him". I don't know which of us thought up the game, only that we played it for a few months one year and it was almost always a situation of one of us forcing the other.

I also remember that I had another friend who HAD been abused, and she would constantly play very odd games with me. She would show me what her father had done to her, or tell me about it, or show me on a pillow. She would pretend that a group of guys was coming to do the same thing to me, and show me what they did. I don't remember being forced, but I do remember being curious about what she meant, asking her to explain or show me what happened.

Another thing that disturbs me beyond belief... sometimes now, when I masturbate (I can't believe I'm saying this) the only thing I can imagine is being the victim of an attack or abuse. Someone forcing me. It does "turn me on" so to speak, which disgusts me SO much.

Let me make this clear: I know how awful rape and abuse are, I would never, EVER support that actually happening to anyone, including myself. So WHY is this the "game" I played as a little girl before I even knew what I was doing? Why is this what I think of now?

My question is... what is wrong with me? Why am I thinking of such things, why was I playing them as a child? Do you think there is a possibility something actually happened to me once, or am I just kind of a messed up kid?

I don't know what to do. I want to feel like I can be in a normal relationship now, I want to feel attracted to people (I don't really, neither girls nor guys) and I want to feel happy. But all of this seems so hopeless and confusing and conflicted in my brain. I feel lost.