"HOW?"

When I think about this past weekend and this PTSD that I have and why it was such a challenge. And my therapist was on vacation last week so I really didn't get help with it and I don't even know how he CAN help me with this.

When I got that invitation in the mail it pushed a very painful button from my past and I really was not ready for it and never even imagined that I would be presented with this kind of challenge.

The woman next door, that is where the party was held, what did she mean to me emotionally? Well, there was a lot that woman did that truely took an abusive situation that I have been in and drew it out in a very public manner that made that abuse expand into me being ostrasized as well. And she also took and damaged whatever positive things I had that could have provided me with some kind of personal support or release.

This woman lamed my horse perminently so I did not have that outlet to get out and think. This woman, knowing that my husband was an alcoholic and just beginning to seek help in AA decided that I was no longer socially acceptable and therefore had no place being a leader of the brownie troop that we had lead together, me being leader and her being co-leader. And my daughter also was not socially acceptable for her daughter to be associated with thus all those friends withdrew from my six year old daughter. So everywhere I looked, everywhere, I became abused and I was so incredibly alone, anything that I had managed to accomplish as a loving mother, was taken away, in more ways than I could have imagined. And I say abused here because it really was abuse, it was very mean and very hard on me in every way.

In spite of all that loneliness, I pressed on and was slowly patient and did my best to support my husband and try my hardest to find ways for my daughter to feel confident and loved. I got my daughter into riding and we joined a riding club and this woman joined it too. And I slowly saw the faces of the other women present that same look as all the mothers of the other girls in my brownie troop. And let me describe that face. I am there and someone approaches and they don't look into my eyes, they look down and make every effort to get past me as quickly as possible.And as each walks by there is a cold breeze that tells me of my unworthyness and how I should also take my unworthy child away, just leave as I am not wanted.

And I had to see that take place with my very vulnerable little child that just did not understand why? And I had to do it quickly because I knew that my daughter would be picked on in some way that she could not possibly understand.

And so I quickly looked for another place where my daughter could flourish were that would not happen and she could just blossom. And I did find a stable where she could make friends and have a trainer and rides and enjoy herself. But I could not prevent that from happening at her school or even on the bus, though I did often drive her to school.And I did manage to find some friends for her because we did have ponies that girls did want to come and ride and that gave my daughter a chance to have some positive interactions with some other girls. And my daughter did have to learn that these friends and her had to come to an agreement that in school their friendship could not be recognized in front of that woman's child and that childs friends which were many as this woman was a bit of a socialite. But this request came from the other little girls that would come and ride and be friends and my daughter quietly agreed on her own. I will never forget over hearing my daughter address that so graciously.

And I worked at my farm slowly making efforts to build my small business and make my farm look more and more like a farm. All the while I had to also find ways to be patient with my husband who was trying to stay sober and went to meetings and worked too. So I had to be creative at building my own life around two struggling people, well, actually three including myself.

At that time I had an older couple living on the other side of me and the woman was very nosey, you know the type kinda knew who everyone was and observed everything she could. And I didn't mind that so much because I had to work away from home alot and I always knew that her busy body ways were like having an alarm system that kept my animals at home safe while I was away.

And that woman would tell me that the not so nice woman who lived next to me was constantly walking the property line and looking over to see what I was doing. And that made me feel strange but I felt that there was nothing I could do about it and at least I had the woman watch dog to keep an eye on things, ofcourse she didn't know that.

And, I was concerned about that socialite spying and thinking about whatever, so I began to build a big stone wall every spare minute and I got up very early and worked on this wall and digging up rocks and finding them in the woods and wetlands and many different places. I did have woods in the back where I was trying to make a little trail for my daughter to loop around with little jumps with her ponies and so there were a lot of rocks that I dug up by hand and collected for my wall. My wall is four feet tall and runs over a thousand feet long. There are many many hours, days, weeks, months, and even years into that wall and that wall also became a place where I could release my fears, stress,anger, and build a sense of protection and personal boundary. At that time I didn't know what grounding methods were but I did them.

And all this time I kept building my business and finding more ponies and soon it became something my whole family participated in. So in many ways it was extremely productive psycholgically and even financially, and yes, even spitually. And my daughter was very proud of it, actually we all were proud of it.

And then suddenly while the nosey lady next door was away, which no one could see from the road because that is an interior lot, someone was sneaking onto our property and harming my ponies. And one time, I had just left to do a job and my husband happened to come home for a tool he needed and he heard some horses squeeling and he quickly went to see what was happening and saw that someone had put a young throughbred mare in with his white pony and they were fighting, a bloody mess it was, thankfully no real damage. And he did not notice someone running away and jumping the wall and knocking some of it down. No, he was too busy with the fighting animals who could not have gotten in with each other by themselves. And only a horse person would know that would take place by putting two animals into a small paddock together, especially if they were female and male. And no one can see if I am home or not from the road, and I was only gone about 10 minutes it was eary someone was really watching somehow, thank god my husband just happened to need to stop at home.

So now I had a new worry, I had to worry about my animals safety while I was away working. And one pony must have been beaten in the face as I could not make any motions with my hands to her face, even brush it without her shying and reacting in great fear. This pony and two others also had their tails cut very short so their tails would look terrible. It took me years to get that pony comfotable with having her face touched again.

And then finally the woman next door sold her home and moved away and new people moved in, actually the man next to her bought it and put his three kids in the house and they had dogs and they did not understand how to contain their dogs at all and they also did not have any problem trespassing onto my property like it was their own. It took me several interactions with them to contain their dogs and I could only truely achieve that with the dog warden and fines.

And even then they wanted to throw big parties and set off fireworks right next to my horses and my barns. Oh these people had no regard for me or my property at all. And finally through much effort I found a way to what I tought was some kind of friendly neighbor relationship and respect.And many times this man would say, gee, I wish saw your property I would have bought that instead of mine. And somehow, it was always a quiet reminder in the back of my mind.

Well, only one dog would respect the underground fence and the other dog had to be tied. And the tied dog would get loose and I would yell and they would say sorry and fix the broken tie so I thought they got my message. But finally the underground electric fence broke and instead of fixing it they chose to let the dogs run at night while I slept. And that was the beginning of the end to everything I had worked very hard for for so many years in my business and even my daughter's riding and a major investement we made in her special horse.

And the beginning of a long expensive heartbreaking reality that to this day I cannot seem to process. And an admission at first until the amount of damage was revealed and that lead to a complete denial and a man and his family calling me crazy.

And then there are other neighbors who eventually did not want to contain their dogs either and that made it hard for me to deal with my remaining animals that are now extremely afraid of dogs. And even these people could not understand that they truely had to contain their dogs.
And all this took place well after the neighbors dog damaging almost every animal I owned and basically my business and pretty much all of our world.

And these are the people who were all at that party with that loud band.
And as I tried to do my best to believe that my animals would be ok, don't be hypervigiallant. When I woke up Sunday morning and saw a loose pony that I know could not have gotten loose on his own. I didn't take that well at all. I am not guilty of any unkindness in my life, how? is a constant question in my mind, can others be so cruel?

I did call my lawyer today, he has not returned my call and I know he is in his office. At least I called.

Open Eyes