So recently my therapy team REALLY really wants me to tell them how they're supposed to help me. Because as long as I've been with them (3 years) I've lacked asking them. But I have serious issues communicating certain things and processing certain things. And knowing what I need is one of those things I can't process. So I printed out a journal entry I made for them, so maybe they would understand what it was like for me.

Yesterday my nurse was upset because I didn't know how to tell her to help me. I don't know. I just don't know how. I don't know how to put it into words. It's not even something I think I can learn, I just have issues processing mind to voice. It's like a break in the chain somewhere. I'm sorry. I can't tell you how to help me. I can't. I've told them this before. Nobody believes me. It frustrates me more then it frustrates them, trust me. It literally drives me insane to not be able to communicate things or understand them myself, about what I can do to make it better. I know that things are wrong, but I can't process how to help myself or ask for help. I kept saying "I'm sorry, I don't know. I can't explain it".

I feel like if there's a linked chain from realizing things are wrong to processing what those things are, there is some missing links and the chains just hang there separate from each other. Imagine trying to put chains back together, with your hands tied behind your back. It's impossible. I've always been like this to some extent, but it's gotten much worse lately. Everyone gets so frustrated with me. My mom, the team, my dad always feels like I hate him, because I never call him to help me with stuff. I'm sorry. That's all I can say. I can't do anything about it. I've tried, immensely tried. I am more frustrated then anyone else, because it puts me on a whole other planet when communicating with others. If they can't stand dealing with it, with just me. Imagine how I feel dealing with it, with everybody. I wish they wouldn't get so frustrated with me, because I am frustrated enough with it. I am tired of being so alone and getting frustrated with me only puts more wedges in the few relationships I have.

And she answered it "Well this is great, but this doesn't tell us how were supposed to help you?"

I don't know! Every time we sit down together to make up lists of what exactly they are supposed to be doing it turns into two people being frustrated and I walk away crying.

I can't even communicate that I can't communicate correctly. Can anyone bounce some ideas up in the air about how to at least communicate that much?

Does anyone here even understand me? I thought that if people who have dealt with similar stuff, might understand what I'm saying and help me bridge the gap between someone who's mentally ill and someone who's trying to understand? Because I'm doing a terrible job at it.