Amongst all this struggle I suffered for years with endometriosis that was not diagnosed even though I kept asking for help. Every month I would get an attack where I could not move and was in extreme pain and it would last for about an hour.

I finally had an attack that last all night long and the only way to really find out what was going on was to go in and use orthoscopy. I was littered with it mostly on my right side and down my leg and I had to have it all lazored. I almost didn't come out of the anethesia so I have to make that known before any surgery. I was given an implant to stop my menstral cycle and that medication had a side effect that I was not warned of which was severe depression.
And I suddenly could not even function or get out of bed it was so severe and luckily this took place during my off season. I was given Zoloft and estrogen as I had no estrogen level in my blood. It took a long time for me to be able to once again think normally and function, but I did. I was sent into menapause very early and so I had to know, no more children and I also found out why I misscarried at 5 months when I did try to have another child.

I also almost died because I had my appendix rupture and leak into my body cavity and I thought I had a bad flew. I got so ill I had to be transported by ambulance and went through emergency surgery. Oh, and I just had surgery 10 days earlier on my akeelees tendon. And my body cavity was so infected with fluid I had to be completely opened up and they had to irrigate my body cavity to clean out the toxins. Luckily that happened in off season too for work. I had a long journey back to being able to function again. And up this point I had not purchased a horse for myself so my mom and I went out and I did find a beautiful horse. I was very weak and I could only ride him for about 5 to 10 minutes at a very slow pace in my ring.
And I had to also be careful because my akilees tendon was also healing. And I had to be really careful as well because even though the long row of staples were out, I still had a drain.

I was trying very hard during this process and my neighbors with the dogs didn't care, they still just set off their fireworks and my new horse was very frightened and the debris was landing into his small paddock. I had to risk my life trying to grab him and put him inside even though I struggled to walk and had to be careful of my stomach.

I had to walk a lot of tiny steps to becoming healthy and active again. And it was a very slow process. But I did survive and continue to work the farm and even work on the wall.

When I finally realized what this PTSD is, I was flashbacking and struggling and I could not understand. I really thought I coped and I got through a lot of terrible things. And I feel betrayed somehow because I really tried as long as I can remember. And one day I stood in my yard coming out of a flashback and I looked at my long stone wall, I wish I could put a picture of it here, no one believes I built it. All of a sudden all I could see was how many doors, walls, fences and ways I tried all my life to protect myself. And I did everything I could possibly think of to take every negetive and make it into a positive. I had no idea that, yes, I was really frightened many times and there were many challenges that I could never have imagined. But I could never have imagined that all of that must have went to a place in my brain that would one day present this condition.

I stood thinking how so much fear was put aside and went into a productive business and farm and so many positive efforts that all got destroyed, and how it presented this terrible thing called PTSD. Look at all these words and stories. A deep desire to talk about it all and find a reason why it had to all be so dam hard. And I got through so much, mostly very lonely. I did meet many nice people, people who knew me, not my husbands issues or the socialite views, but just "ME". And all my ponies, oh so many stories behind each them, where they came from how they were mistreated and how I worked really hard with them, how every single day I loved them because they were my ability to actually just be "ME" and have people smile at me and accept and appreciate "ME". There were no looking down faces in my business and being just "ME".

I feel very betrayed that I have this in my brain. I don't want to remember all the times I could NOT be "ME", because I was too busy being for others or just running.
And here I am in such a battle and trying to find my way back to just being "ME" again. I am tired of fighting this case, this attorney, these creepy people. I just want to get back to "ME". One day at a time, I am trying very hard. I understand that I am only going to be able to be some of "ME". And I have to find a way to work through this awful thing in my brain and become a new "ME". And every day I pray and every day I come here and read and find comfort in seeing others trying really hard too. I am looking at life in a very different way and I have learned a lot about people. Some people are just not nice people, that is the truth. And the one thing we all have is ourselves and our own personal journeys. It may have looked like I didn't fight back because I didn't confront those people that looked down. But I really never felt that was productive. I would have never had me at all had I really wasted my time doing that. And I have also come to understand that when people do bad things to me, their own guilt bothers them and they can't accept me somehow and it isn't my fault. I do not like being at the end of someones desire to extinguish their own lies and deceit, it is an awful painful place.

I really noticed that about people, they don't like to have a reminder around of their own short comings and oddly enough they will latch onto each other in odd ways to defend that desire to admonish that guilt in some way. And my mom says that socialite is jealous of me because I am attractive and I have my business, and I could never see that because they got left a lot of money and their home is a kind of showplace. I don't think it is that, I think it is the guilt that motivates her negetivity. And I have come to know that because my own husband did that in many odd ways because he hid his own guilt for so many years about being unfaithful. He was actually mean to me a lot and looked for reasons to devalue me. I think thats what people like to do, devalue their bad actions towards others by giving those actions a reason and doing that by seeking ways to devalue the other person. I really see that alot when I watch political interactions.

I saw that also when I saw that one of my daughter's trainers was abusing and neglecting his children really bad. This was a gross man who did not flash physically but did mentally and verbally and I could not believe that anyone could talk like him, it was beyond me. And I snuck our horse out of his barn and reported him to DCYFS, and even though others saw it they would not do anything, how awful. And that man did everything possible to try to drag my name in the dirt. But even though it was more expensive my daughters new trainers put an end to that.
But it was really odd to see how others join into devaluing others, I learned a lot from that.
And the mothers who kept their daughters with him anyway? Those girls became serious tramps.
So those parents may have saved money but their girls made them pay in other ways.
Yes amazingly, because he had cheaper rates, people defended him. I choose not to be around people like that, so I didn't go to that party next door. But that did effect my own safety, and that is what really bothered me. I did morn for the fact that I have to live near these kind of people, I would have rather had people that I could enjoy like many of my customers. But life doesn't seem to work that way for me. People can even choose to pursue someone to defend their guilt, even if that individual makes attempts to remove themselves, so I learned. I think guilt is a man eater no matter where someone stands.

Open Eyes