Today was uncomfortable. I was living life and being busy, but just felt stirred up. Not sad, really, or angry, or anything I can name. Just uncomfortable, and maybe kind of triggered.

And I was thinking tonight about how much I wished I could be with T and then I wondered...why? I tried to picture it for a minute...what it would be like to be with T all the time. Because I *think* I want to be with him because he's the only person I can talk to about this stuff, but when I really thought about the reality of it, I realized that there is NO WAY I would want to talk about the things that push at me. Once a week is MORE than enough, honestly. It feels like a job, something I HAVE to do because I want so much to heal. I wouldn't want to talk about it more than that.

And I tried to picture what I would do if I COULD be with T and I pictured myself hugging him, and had an "a-ha" moment...when I am with T, I AM OKAY. I'm OKAY. T sits there and reflects my okayness back to me...I know, for sure, that T loves me, that T thinks I'm okay just how I am, that he thinks I deserve caring and good things. I know that T thinks I'm funny and that he feels proud of me. And T knows my story...he is the only one in the world who KNOWS it. The only one. And he loves me anyway.

And out in the world, I know that my friends and my H and my kids love me, but they don't KNOW. And I'm left with this doubt..AM I okay? If they knew, would they love me? Would they run away from how icky and gross and sick my story is? Would they ever hug me again?

I feel like a little kid who has to check in with her parent every so often just to make sure she's safe and loved. I didn't have that growing up, but I have it now...for 90 minutes a week. Maybe it's a childhood wish...to be able to just run up to someone and get a smile and a hug and know that everything is okay and then to run back into life. THAT is what I want. THAT is why I wish T could be around all the time.

T leaves me messages after session and I can listen to them anytime, and that does help. And I can remember back to my session, and how okay I felt in that moment. But it's SO HARD to carry it with me.

I really long for the day when I can just believe I am okay. It feels discouraging sometimes...like that day will never come. Like I'll believe I'm okay for 90 minutes of the week, and doubt if for the other 9990 hours of the week. Forever and ever and ever. Blah. It makes me so sad.