Good morning, everyone,

Thanks for all the lovely responses. I feel so much more connected since I've found this forum. The person who told me about Lamictal said it slows down his verbal response time when he's feeling irritable and gives him enough time to consider biting his tongue before saying things he'll regret. I need that. My job requires that I spend quite a bit of one-on-one time with many people -- averaging 150-225) during the day (No, it isn't a customer service job; it's a professional career, but one with no support from anyone in a position to assist me -- replicating my childhood.) Anyway, I think I do amazingly well not to be biting lots of heads off, but when I snap even a bit, I can end up feeling suicidal. Much of the time, I'm in depressed mode (never cry, wish I would), mixed with irratibility and/or panic. I was raped when I was a child (7-8). My mother knew but blamed me -- told me "nice girls didn't do things like that. She also had a "nervous breakdown" and was hospitalized for ECT treatments for many months when I was five. My siblings and I went sent to homes of relatives we didn't know. My father came to see me once and yelled at me then. I was never told anything about why I was abandoned. Believed it was my fault because I was bad. I get triggered into PTSD rape and abandonment issues when I get very stressed and have panic attacks but think I actually am very high functioning. I am a recovering alcoholic/valium users (30 years clean/sober), no longer smoke, but have lost a best friend within the past year. She wouldn't even speak with me about the fact that she was going to stop being my friend after 20+ years. I sensed it was going to happen when she began being very sarcastic with me and I made the attempt to communicate but when she wouldn't discuss things, I let go. I know I'm a difficult person. I feel sad about it, though. I have another longtime friend from whom I am withdrawing also.

The two psychiatrists whom I have called, one the m.d. I had seen regularly during the past decade, haven't returned my calls from the past two weeks. The other is the person with whom one should get in touch to enter a bipolar group. I tried a couple of times to get in touch with him.

I feel a little bit that I'm not worthy of getting help. (Now, I really don't "think" this. It's just a feeling I have -- that one that gets triggered from a long time ago.)

Meanwhile, since I've been taking a bit less antidepressant, I feel significantly better.

I know I need help. I feel AND think I'm on the edge but I don't think it's a good sign that many of my efforts to reach out are meeting with a resounding lack of success. I called a helpline last night and spoke with someone there. I had also received another phone number from them a week or so ago and called that one, only to have reached with that call a FAX line. The people on the helpline were helpful, however, as are all of you. :-)

I can see the humor in all this. It's rather like a Seinfeld show, really.

I'm also afraid of beginning therapy with a new person, but believe I need to find someone I can trust. I don't do well talking with someone who functions only in the Western scientific mode. If the only goal is to return me to functioning well in COLD MATERIAL WORLD REALITY, then I say to hell with it. I struggle every day to find a way to find meaning in this suffering. It's important to me to find someone who can work with me on finding ways to find meaning/transcend this while dealing with only the meds I have to take. If they see it as only about the meds (and I'm afraid my m.d. was rather of the cool, rational type -- not to put too much of a b&w slant on it), then why bother.

I can't remember what I'm talking about. I need help, but I don't want to see someone who will blame me and overmedicate me.

I'm feeling rather desperate.

Annie Laurie