[quote=shezbut;2038260]I finally see my T again on Tuesday, my 2 week mark. Pretty much every day since my last visit I've been seriously struggling to find the will to continue living.

I know how selfish that sounds to most people. I'm certainly not innocent, so yeah, I guess that my selfishness does along with my wonderful personality ! I really wish that I could arrange things smoothly, to prevent trauma. I sure don't want people to hate me more than they do already! But, these emotions are freakin hell! Can't I get some kind of break already? Please??!

Hi Shezbut,

God the pain that radiates from your message just tears at my soul. I am so sorry that you are in this place of darkness and feel so trapped and all alone. I am there with you and have lived there a long time too. It seems like it just will never end and that no one can possibly understand that your heart can hurt that badly without you just dissolving. I'm also sorry that you feel like we would judge you for experiencing this pain or doing what you can to relieve it. But it can change. And if you stop for just a moment, and think back you will see times that it has lifted or almost miraculously ebbed for a while when a few things fell into place and you gained some momentum and progress. This will happen again. For now, you need some real help. Either with some medication or a medication change to bring you up to a level of some ability to tolerate or a hospitalization to keep you safe and get everyone off of you for a short time while you get up to your knees and then your feet.

There is no real shame in either of these options. Both are much better than transferring this grief to those around you should you choose the other option. I understand the overwhelming urge to stop the pain, but I ask you to stop and try a little harder and do something totally different to break the cycle. Whatever that may be. A little imagined embarrassment is better than a long term solution to a short term, very real and extremely painful problem. Please reach out for some truly serious and professional help to get you out of the prison of pain you are in. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, no matter who they are in the end. You do matter. That is all that is important... F$ck the rest for now...and get the help you deserve and truly want.

Strong arms and angels wings to lift you up...

Wysteria Blue