This week, my T sent me to a DBT therapist and the ice queen told me that I was unequivocally BPD and needed to be under the 'whole program of DBT' for the next few YEARS. She said I would have to leave my T in the process and that she had talked to my T about all of this. Every horrible thought came to mind, and I spun out completely.

I totally doubted all the months of trust that my T had worked on with me, felt like he had betrayed me and sent me away, shut down, compared him to every one else that has ever hurt me, and was completely ready to throw away everything.

I finally was able to talk to him directly yesterday. He said that in no way did he want to give up on me or want me to leave our work together. That this lady did not represent correctly what they had indeed discussed. But, I still feel cold and distant inside. He said he wanted to talk to her, and I actually accused him of thinking I was lying to him.

I'm confused by the fact that I would allow someone else to come in between my T an me. I'm hurt by what that ice queen said to me about why people do not like people like me with BPD. I'm afraid now of the new people coming in my life. I'm ashamed of my disloyalty. All my fears of abandonment or rejection, and being worthless and unloveable just came up and hit me between the eyes. I immediately thought of T as just another man. I just let someone come in hurt me, and I took it and ran with it.

Why am I not better at protecting myself? I can't stand that I just assumed so quickly that my T would hurt me after all that he has done for me. How do I build back the core values that used to hold fast through this kind of turmoil or just plain BS?

I'm so incredibly angry at myself. My friend tells me not to be angry at myself, but who else is there to blame? I allowed it.

It feels like my whole reality this week took 3 big steps to the left, and I'm standing here alone and naked again. I'm deeply entrenched behind my walls and now things are muted and simmering cold.

I feel like I'm snapping and snarling inside at everything and everyone... and have broken all the connections to self and others I was trying to build. I'm in such a bad place. I could really use some wisdom here....