First of all, is this a legal marriage where you would have to get divorced, and if so, is there no-fault divorce available in your state (i think new york still requires fault).

The first time my relationships turned violent (2 straight marriages and a girlfriend), I was done, I was out of there. My mom and dad used to have "wrestling matches" where my mom would make my dad say uncle, but dad was clearly digging it (and yes, that's a whole nuther story). You may be from an abusive background but you don't have to live that legacy, and you sound like you can see the way to a saner, happier life for yourself, away from all this drama. There are TONS of great guys out there, just ask any single woman, she'll tell you they are all gay! Best of luck.