This is just my 2c. Not gospel obviously, and god knows I've made a lot of mistakes. If it is helpful, feel free to PM me.

I saw your post and it hit very close to home. I wanted to share my experience in the hopes that it may benefit SOMEONE.

I am recently separated, and the root cause of my separation was my depression.

I have suffered major depression since I was six. I was married 10 years and ultimately the issue of support killed the marriage. My wife tried. But she tried in ways that weren't relevant to me. In the end I had an affair. The affair occurred because the woman I was with provided so much for me EMOTIONALLY. She ended up giving me the only happy days of my life. And my three days of happiness were well worth sacrificing a decade of marriage.

Suggestions:

The toughest thing for a caregiver is that depressed people expect their partners to read there needs and moods. And when this doesn't happen they become resentful and bitter. What to do? Ask, point blank, "What do you need? What can I do?" Ask those questions, and you've done the single most important thing.

Touch. Touch is healing. Hug your partner. Hold your partner. DO NOT ASK. There is little worse for a grown man to be asked, "Do you want a hug?" He will feel childish.

Listen appropriately. Does your husband usually speak literally or in metaphors? If he is a literal speaker respond directly to what he asks and don't act like you know better. If he speaks metaphorically you may need to do more probing.

Those are the big two.

Finally, about you. Your needs have to be met, too. People with depression in relationships HAVE TO SHELVE THEIR TROUBLES for their loved ones. Why? Because the person who is injured needs care for a discrete span of time. Depressed partners MUST SHELVE their depression for their loved ones. Must. Anything less is unacceptable. It sets up a bad precedent, and dangerous pitfalls down the road. When you need care, make sure he gives it. And if he doesn't, confront the issue in couples therapy. I'm a 38 year old male who has suffered severe depression (borderline suicidal) for 32 years. And whatever I'm going through, I put my loved ones first, because I know their conditions are immediate and likely temporary, whereas mine are life long.

Lastly, you are carrying a large burden. Under the best circumstances someone in your position risks depression. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. And NEVER feel badly about it. Be good to yourself, be generous to yourself, be gentle with yourself.

I do wish my marriage hadn't been destroyed. It's not my wife's fault. If anything, it's mine.

Best of luck, and PM me if I can be helpful.

(apologies for grammar/spelling - typing on an iPad...)