I think you posted in the new members forum some other information about your situation. If I am not remembering correctly, please forgive me. What I think, from what I think I remember and what you have posted here, is that you are a giving person with a soft heart but that you choose men who are tougher stuff and not always so nice. I think it is fine to be old fashioned and to believe in marriage as a forever thing. But that doesn't mean your spouse will think that way or even be invested in making your marriage a happy, life-long relationship, and no matter how much you want that with him, he has to want it also to make it happen. Hitting people and abusing them verbally is wrong, and you should not put up with that, and his abusive childhood is no excuse, although if he's on steroids, I wouldn't be surprised if those contribute to his volatile moods. Marriage counseling might be the best option for the both of you and I would further suggest that you get your own separate counseling to come to grips with your upbringing and how the choices you make today can be improved so that you can come closer to the ideal life you envision. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being 40, particularly since it is a biological fact; as an outsider to your relationship, I'd point out to you that you chose someone who is 10 years younger than yourself, and your husband may intuit that you feel a sort of weakness about being older and he picks that as a weapon to use against you. Someone would pick on my age and I would laugh and say, "So, you didn't notice this before?!?!?" The way I see it, even though we may love people, they don't necessarily love us back or in the same way or with the same depth and breadth, or for the same reasons. You are a person of worth and value regardless of what your husband says and does, and the more quickly you start appreciating your own strengths and weaknesses, I think the better your choice in men will be.